Tag Archives: weight loss

Sep23

Feed me!

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So today marks one year that I stopped smoking.  I think back to this day and how I had a life scare.  I had taken antibiotics for a horrible sinus infection and went into anaphylactic shock shortly after taking them.  I truly felt like I was going to die.  I’m not even sure where I had the strength to even make it across the apartment to get to my phone mind you call 911.  I was losing control of all my bodily functions, in and out of consciousness and my body felt like it was contouring in ways that felt foreign.  The worst & funny part was I was in just a tank top and panties, that I literally pissed in when I passed out, and the hottest EMT walks in my apartment to save me.  Now some might not think that was a bad situation but when you are barely conscious, pissed on and looking all out of whack that is so not cool.  I had to just laugh at myself because in total there were 3 beautiful men(I had not had a man over in a long while before this incident, that is not the way I wanted a handsome man to show up at my door) and 1 beautiful lady taking care of my hot mess self.  No one ever wants to be in a situation like that.  I have worked in the medical field for many years, I so know the stories that are created from moments like that experience.  My vitals were not good at all and they had to put me on oxygen right away and put a heart monitor on because my heart rate had dropped to 38bpm, that is way to low for an average adult in their 30’s.  They put in an IV line, started pushing fluids and rushed me over to Albert Einstein Medical Center.  So after being poked and probed at the hospital for 14 hours and had the staff laughing I was finally released with a clean bill of health.  I know that I didn’t end up in the hospital because of smoking but I just felt it was a habit I needed to let go of, I never want to have to call 911 again especially for a health scare.  I sat there contemplating the things that could have gone wrong and what if I had had a heart attack or stroke.  It felt right to let the habit go and it was easier than I thought it would have been but I do contribute that to literally fearing for my life.  I can say I am at the point that cigarette smoke bothers me and the smell makes me queasy.  It has been one of the best things I have done.  The only down fall was I did gain some weight after I let go of that habit.  Which did not make me happy at all but I will take the good with the bad because now this weight will also be left at the side of the road.

On that note, today as I was having my lunch and it was the hardest thing to get down (I don’t think I could ever be vegan).  All I’m craving is a juicy burger with crumbled bleu cheese, sautéed onions and mushrooms.  I do have my “cheap day” but today my body is craving some naughty food.  The day has been a good one so I know the craving is not me having an emotional food craving(those can be the worst) just my body talking to me and its need for certain vitamins and nutrients.  The dinner plan with have to be switched up but I am proud of myself for not diverting from my meal plan and honoring myself and this process.  I will let you know how that goes.  I’m sure it will be playtime in the kitchen, one of my favorite things to do.

So please don’t forget to smile and to be grateful for another day!

Sep22

Adjusting to the change

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Adjusting to the change

Good morning SUNSHINE!!

This weekend was fantastic but did include a few bummer moments within myself.  I was able to spend time with some very dear friends this weekend and just let loose, we laughed until we were sober, we had ah-hah moments, we learned so much of ourselves as women and it all felt like we were back in our teenage years in high school being carefree and truly living in the moments.  On Saturday the ladies and I spent hours filled with laugher while playing Bocce ball, sipping wine from Styrofoam coffee cups, don’t judge they had lids.  LOL  We took silly pictures like giggly teenage girls and couldn’t stop laughing at ourselves and the shenanigans that were going on.  We danced around like innocent young girls running in a field with no cares in the world.  It was so great to hear ourselves after many year have passed how we remembered the words of songs we danced to years ago and the hysterical stories that are attached to these songs.  We may have cried then but when you have the pleasure of reaching an age where you can just laugh at yourself and its simplicity, it truly is priceless. Then we started viewing the pictures and I was not happy with what I saw.  I have been working hard at shedding this weight and I felt I looked bigger now than I did before I committed to becoming healthy and that was a complete bummer.  I know the number on the scale has gone down and I know I have lost inches around different areas of my body but what I saw was completely different.  I know it is a process and the mental aspect of any change in life takes time and understanding.  What we would like to see isn’t always the process your body will reveal when you want it but I just couldn’t get past looking like I was pregnant in some photos or just a bit wider than 3 months ago before I started this change.  Yes, I realize it is soon to expect much of a change but I sure didn’t want to look bigger.  I didn’t let that ruin the day but I can say I wasn’t happy with the results and I was even more cautious of what I was eating and of what I was drinking.  My dear friend noticed I wasn’t happy with the pictures where my belly seemed bigger to me even though she reassured me I looked great and she could see the difference.  This is a struggle I know will take time to resolve.

On Sunday, I went to the Grounds for Sculpture in New Jersey.  It was absolutely breath taking and if you love to be in nature with secret garden passage ways complimented by beautiful sculptures this is a great place to go.  My inner photographer was in her glory and gaining another day in nature, before the cool of fall sets, with friends who have become family is a plus.  The artistry and the perplex minds that create these wonders are extraordinary.  My favorite part was finding this hidden walkways that would twist and turn to reveal sculptures that would just intrigue you and keep you wanting more.  It almost felt nostalgic at some points.  I couldn’t get enough pictures of all the wonder that kept revealing itself.  Some of the true artistry was nature’s own work.  I would not call myself a photographer but a lover of beauty in its truest and rarest forms.  I once again was unhappy with photos that others were taking of me and the way my body seemed to defy the work that I have put into her the last few months.  I cannot get past how my belly looks so much bigger than before and trust me when I say there is no way I could be pregnant.  The visual struggle seems to be the biggest struggle of it all.  The learning to have a healthy relationship with food and selecting healthier foods without feeling deprived even when I am out and want all those naughty fried or sugary foods is easier to transition away from.  The hardest part of this whole lifestyle change is the reflection in the mirror, not liking what I see but knowing the results I expect take time and my body is going through just as many  physical changes as I am mentally.

Do I love myself enough to not let this be a set back? Absolutely and I know these are the biggest challenges.  I know this is cliché but here it goes anyway, “Anything in life worth having is worth working for.” My health is definitely worth working towards and it will remain on the top of my list of what is important in my life.  I started my journey towards mental and spiritual health 3 years ago and I have finally incorporated my physical health, I can say thus far this has been one of the most liberating ventures I have ever gone on in my life.  So I chose to make it another day closer to being my healthiest self, mentally, spiritually and physically.  Of course I will have days that I want to throw in the towel but those seem to be less frequent than ever before.

So smile today because you are someone’s sunshine even if you don’t know them.  🙂

 

Sep18

Reflections

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It’s a new beautiful day and yesterdays struggle still lingers but I know in my heart she will always be with me.  It was one of those years that it just was tougher to get through the day, the feelings were just so fresh even though I lost her a little over 16 years ago.  I know some say it gets easier as time passes but I can say, “That’s BULLSHIT!”  One just learns to live without their physical presence but they are always in your heart and memories.  There will always be times when we just miss them so much that it brings us to tears or the emotions of losing them resurface in a tidal wave and it hurts tremendously.  There is no shame in that but some people will not accept that having those moments are okay and that is okay also.  We all have our own coping mechanisms not that it is always the healthiest way for us but it is what we chose at the time and with time those ideas may change.  I know this to be true because for such a long time I was numb by choice.  I just didn’t know how to be alive, I didn’t know how to enjoy the gift of life because I was feeling guilty of not being able to save her life and because I couldn’t fix it and that is my job as a mom.  For so very long I just functioned, went through the motions of being an adult but couldn’t bring myself back to life.  I didn’t know how.  I didn’t know how to ask for help or guidance or really ask for anything.  I had lost so much from such a young age that I didn’t want to have to go through losing anyone else that I pushed the world away but little did I know I was losing myself in the process.

Through the years food became by best friend and my worst enemy.  I truly experienced the love/hate love affair with food that many feel with another individual.  I ate to numb myself but yet I loved to feed people just as much as I loved to eat.  I loved taking care of people but didn’t want anyone that close that they would see me for this flawed, lonely, unlovable, broken woman that I was.  How could they understand that I am only human when I have been told I’m so strong for what I have been through and I keep going or that I’m so strong for not falling apart and still wanting more out of life.  I was crumbling in more ways than one in the inside and quickly.  The main reason I didn’t allow myself to throw my life completely away was I  knew my daughter wouldn’t want that, if she could face cancer with a smile on her face on 99.7% of her days dealing with that horrendous disease with all the pain from the disease itself or post surgeries.  She would never want to see me stop living because she didn’t make it and in my mind my half-assed way of living was sustaining me in the moment.  Before I knew it this was the only way I knew how to live, the only way I could be safe from any additional pain besides what was already happening in my life.  After Soli passed away I knew it wouldn’t be long before my mom would pass also.  My mom had been sick for so many years by then.  I knew she was struggling to stay with us but she was growing tired and weaker with each day, she was finally diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after many years of false conclusions.  This reality just made food even sexier than before.  At my heaviest I went up to an extra fluffy 314lbs.  I was one fluffy female and I didn’t want to see it because I refused to look at myself.  I never looked in a mirror below my shoulders but I can tell you this I walked with a confidence that fooled many but the closest ones to me knew otherwise.  My ex-husband Luis always made me feel beautiful but once I got back in my head I was fat, ugly and disgusting but I wasn’t in a place to fix that yet because I wasn’t ready to deal with all the pain and hurt I was holding onto.  I didn’t know at the time there was going to be plenty more to come before I finally crashed and burned.

So today I continue on my journey of getting healthy, making better food choices and embracing that this weight is a reflection of what I have been through but is no longer mine to hold onto.  Yes, there are times I want to sit down and have a whole package of cookies with a huge glass of milk(especially last night but I didn’t) but I’m accepting that I will only hurt myself more if I continue my life going down that road.  I have done so much in the last three years to heal and I continue this process everyday that I can’t go back to what no longer serves me.  Life is truly a gift I will not and cannot take advantage of that.

Happy day! Let’s make it a great one because we can no matter the obstacle, there is beauty in every situation even when it’s hard to see it.

Oh and don’t forget to smile, you never know who is watching and needs that smile to help them through the day! 🙂

 

 

 

 

Sep16

Body Image

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So as I continue to work on this extra baggage called my ‘fluffiness” I am coming across interesting interpretations of my weight by men.  I know not all men view me in this light but I have found that recently this has been coming up more frequently so I’m just sorting through it.  It’s hard enough going through the psychological part of losing weight, the perplexity of your body changing and embracing the changes(even though some of them are not cool right now) and the desire to dip into those old habits because it’s what I know.

So back to these insults wrapped in make shift compliments.  I am single and dating(dating can be overrated at times) so this is where I am getting this from.  I met what I thought was a nice guy, the conversation would flow easily and plenty of laughs, I have a soft spot for a funny guy.  We exchange pictures and all is well until he has time to dissect the full body image I had sent. (Please keep in mind I have never denied I am a full-figured woman)

I get a text back from him and it goes like this; “are you pregnant?”  “did you lose weight?” “umm I’m not sure”.  My reply; “No I am not pregnant and yes I did lose some weight.  if you are not interested anymore from the pic that is fine with me.  Be well”  He replies, “I’m really into fitness.  You need to do something about your tummy, you would be really pretty if you did something about it, insurance will pay for it but good for you for losing weight.”

So, I can either completely have a crazy lady moment and go off on him and which end up in a total funk and want to cry and eat until I am sick or do as I did.  I didn’t reply to that insult, I laughed it off and was grateful for the sanity that I could keep in this moment.  There was no need for him to insult me and ignorance like that seems to be more common amongst the ones who continue to base everything on superficial, photo shopped ideas of beauty.  As I continue my journey of becoming the healthiest I have ever been I have noticed there are stages that we go through and our body goes through and at some points they do not match.  I know yes my body is not perfect and I will always be a work in progress and who am I to judge another’s body when their struggle is just that, theirs.

 

So for now I see this as a step for me and a loss for ignorance.  Now onto making this body a healthier one.

 

 

Sep11

Loving my outside

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In this journey of regaining control of my weight, finding a healthy place in my life, loving myself for all its entirety and ending the self-destructive reign of self-abuse with food, I am learning to enjoy food and not hide behind gorging myself with food to numb the pain.  For so long food was my escape for life.  I was able to numb the pain with outlandish food binges, of course all of it was bad, crappy but oh so yummy foods, that could last days. I am so guilty of spending weekends locked in my apartment bingeing on cakes, cookies, burgers, chinese food, soda, chips and whatever else I could get my hands on.  I remember the times the supermarket run was for bad food only and I ate every last bite with pleasure than I would cry myself to sleep, or verbally degrade myself, or sleep for days on end, or it was time to go back into reality. So much had gone on from so early on in my life that I created my own little world that was safe as long as everyone was over there and I was with myself and my coping mechanisms.

I remember this cycle starting as far back as 5 years old when my than alcoholic father argued viciously with my mom when he was on one of his drinking binges.  I was always just a few feet behind watching my mom ingest the verbal abuse to protect my brother and I from becoming his target.  Once I was alone again I would sneak food and hide in my room or in the playroom in the basement to make it all go away.  Not that it ever did but I was convinced it worked.  As time had passed and the situation just worsened so did my binges to the point it just became a way of life.  Once my mom was diagnosed with advanced multiple sclerosis and wasn’t able to care for my brother and I it all went to hell in a hand basket.  I was 14, just starting high school and going to a school I literally only knew two people in the whole school, my next door neighbors.  So then a new cycle had begun and having already spent so many years feeling completely alone in a world filled with so many “loved ones” but it seemed I was pushed away for whatever reason they needed to give at that moment, or they didn’t have time to for someone else’s kid, or the knowledge that no I didn’t fit in like I would have liked.  I knew this so-called great time of my life, the awkward teenage years, was not going to get any easier anytime soon.  I just wanted my mom to get better so we could be home with her again.

Well back to my fluffy self finding a better way to live. So now that I have worked on all the inside stuff and continue to work on it as it is a never-ending process.  I am creating a new relationship with food and embracing what that means on a healthy level.  I had gained so much weight over the years and tried every diet under the sun but of course they didn’t work because the cause of the pain was denied until I crash and burned.  I am learning to look at the food as a way to sustain myself as I live and not a shovel to bury myself. I look in the mirror and now see a body that doesn’t match what I feel inside and its time to fix that.  No, I don’t want to be some photo shopped supermodel in a magazine, no I don’t want to be what others would consider the “ideal” weight for me, I will be the right weight once I am feeling healthy and comfortable in that size “?” when I get there.

So here’s to getting healthy and letting go of the excess baggage at the side of the road.

I will keep you posted.  Now off to a yummy lunch and a brisk walk.