Tag Archives: self care

Jul23

No More No’s

Posted on by
Standard
No More No’s

She stopped worrying what others might say
She stopped needing answers
She stopped looking for a way to please
She stopped contemplating and took the deepest, sweetest breath & let it all go

She screamed that breath right out of her, the breath that ripped its way right out of her hunched & bound body
She screamed the pain, the anger & frustration right out into the universe
Her scream so boisterous the birds sang to the deafening sound that released itself from deep inside her core
Her scream so profound she was weakened & crumbled to her knees

She cried, she kicked, she stomped, she whispered, “Enough”, as she looked lovingly at the woman in the mirror
She cried & she cried some more as the weight lifted, it fell, it struggled &  it dissipated into nothingness

She saw the wounded woman open her eyes as she walked out of her cage
The shackles & chains falling to the ground with a loud and echoing bang
She remembered those beautiful eyes that had been blindfolded by so much hurt, neglect, pain, torture, & rejection
She smiled & her eyes started to shine, to sparkle, to shimmer the way they used to
The veil of life’s past was finally being removed

The softest whisper was heard on the ruffling leaves as the breeze caressed them
The whisper with words of love and familiarity
The whisper that was her song, oh what a sweet sound it was
The whisper that made her heart race faster than it had in decades
The whisper that had her moving those voluptuous Latina hips, moving to her own beat, her heart beating as her drum & her feet leading each step
Her body swaying so seductively mesmerizing, it was pure untainted ecstasy & passion flooding her veins
The whisper that helped her let go and let her Be in this very moment
Her body finding its darkest corners & illuminated them with her sparkle

Her voice, the sweetest sound to vibrate throughout her home
Her song dancing off her lips as if it had never been forgotten
Her voice seductive and sultry to the ears of a man
Her voice strong, confident, & nurturing to the ears of children
Her voice the soothing sound of an Awakened Goddess

She shouted for the world to hear, “This beautiful Goddess has arrived!”

Oct3

Feeling a certain kind of way…

Posted on by
Standard

SMILE!!!

Today I can say I’m feeling like, “Lizzie Got her Groove Back!”  It feels absolutely delicious.  It has been a while since I felt my sultry self stand tall and present first thing in the morning.  It is definitely an invigorating feeling to have all of your loveliness just shout from every each of your being and tell the world, “The Goddess has awoken and she is out to play.”  No, I am not being conceited but I am definitely feeling flirtatious, adventurous and playful.  There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and feeling confident in who you are, or how far you have come and or to love the person you see in the mirror.  To have the ability to look in the mirror and truthfully embrace all that you are, every flaw, every wrinkle, every gray hair, every laugh line and every other imperfection and know that you are bewitching.  There is something extremely alluring about someone who is confident, loves themselves for who they truly are in all of their essence.  Yes to me that is positively the most magnetic person that one can be.  When we embrace all of ourselves for our truth and walk in that truth it makes you feel complete and at home.

After many years of living in my own black hole I reached a point I knew it was time to heal and let all this “old stuff” go.  I had gotten in my own way and I needed to know what it is to be alive.  I started out on the journey of self and let me say it became grotesque at the sight of all that was surfacing.  It felt like I was creating this towering wall of everything I had never dealt with and it was frightening, intimidating and overwhelming.  When one has to bring up all that muck made up of old pain, anger, hurt, rejection and the memories of events that brought you to those emotions it becomes one of the hardest things to go through.  I had many days I just wanted to retreat and say, “Screw it all, it’s easier to stay in my black hole” but I knew that I couldn’t live in that abyss anymore.  It wasn’t safe, warm or comfortable and that wasn’t how anyone should live not that I can call it living but I was still breathing.  I remember the first women’s retreat I went on, it was a weekend event and I was terrified.  Even buying the tickets were a challenge but the universe will test you to see if you are truly ready for your next step.  I didn’t want to feel judged, alone or frowned upon but most of all I didn’t want anyone to see  me “naked” and the inner turmoil I was living in.  I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable or to look at myself in the mirror.  I knew I had to be strong and put on my game face or so I thought.  Well that went to shit in a hand basket within 30 minutes of being in that sacred space.  One of my dearest and oldest friends was sitting right across from me, she gave me her a loving smile and her wink and the tears started streaming down my face. I had never been in such an environment with so many beautiful women from all walks a life.  When you are so broken and tired of being so called strong everyone comes across as being what you strive to be and for me that was being able to be present in my life.  I felt like a scared little girl just needing her mothers arms to keep her safe but that was not going to happen but I was definitely held by a room filled with women who also needed the love and support I was craving.  It is amazing how easy it is to hold another but so fearful to hold yourself, or so I believed at that point.  It was one of the hardest things I had pushed myself to do.  This choice was all about me and I hadn’t done a healthy thing for myself in numerous years, who knew that was going to be one of the greatest and most loving decisions I would make for myself.  I cried so many tears that weekend and committed myself to myself in front of 30 other women.  If you want to talk pressure that is the way to do it, we were all going to hold the other accountable for standing by their word to self.  It was one of the most liberating moments of my life all at the same time.  Those words that poured out of me started out with a meek trembling voice and soon were full-mouthed and commanding.  I was releasing what no longer served me and I was going to stand by that.  Enough was enough!!!  I remember turning around  from the alter where I placed my white candle and offered my words.  As I looked up to find my way back to my seat and tears were running down my face I was embraced by true love radiating from women who did not know me but felt me and supported me.  It felt as if I was in my mothers arms being held securely and that was the moment I knew this wasn’t going to get easier but I wasn’t alone so I couldn’t stop now.  I was safe.  It was the start of the rest of my life I just hadn’t known it yet.  Who would have thought that years later I could look back and want to shout my story out to the world?  Who would have thought I needed to be naked and love every moment of it?

Here is to living naked!!!

Smile, and share the sunshine!! 🙂

Oct2

So far so good…

Posted on by
Standard

Happy Thursday!!

 

This whole dating thing can be a bit overwhelming and discouraging at times but I have actually met someone who has been fun and considerate thus far, I will stay optimistic.  I knew there were still good men out there because there a good women who will appreciate them as much as they will her.  I hear ladies speak of how there are no good men, that for sure is not the truth.  There are the good ones and then there are the “other” ones.  We have all had our ups and downs in relationships and some of us come out more scarred than others or we bring along the remnants of an old relationship into a new one(we need to leave all that crap behind), and sometimes we are distressed and empty so, we do not allow ourselves to heal before we end up in another relationship.  There are numerous other reasons why someone continues to hold onto the past hurt, anger and other emotions which causes only for ourselves to suffer longer and hurt others whether intentional or not.  I know personally I experienced an emotional roller coaster at the end of my last relationship, I loved him dearly and it broke my heart when it came to an end.  I am grateful for taking time for me to grieve, to heal and to love me again for who I have become, even though some felt it was too long.  Some felt I just needed to sleep with someone or someones and that would help but I knew in my heart that was not the case.  I didn’t want to deal with someone else’s energies or nonsense when I knew my stuff was in disarray and needed some good old fashion TLC.  After my marriage had fallen apart and I realized that my once husband was my best friend and would only ever be that.  I went and I did my thing and enjoyed the single life in a very carefree way.  I partied, I dated and all the other good stuff in between.  I knew at this stage of my life that was not the way for me to go again.  The idea of someone heavy breathing on me, sweat dripping off of them and then the possibility of a cuddle after made me queasy.  All I wanted was to be with myself and my stuff.

So back to this guy who has been adding a pep to my step these last few days.  It’s been refreshing and I feel like a schoolgirl with a new cute guy in school.  The playfulness that comes with someone who you do not mind around is a huge deal especially as we get older.  I have no time or energy to waste on people or things that drag me down and/or want to hold me back.   The rush of a new adventure with someone who can make you laugh and smile just with the smallest of gestures or being able to respond to my wit so quickly.  It makes it fun conversation and plenty of belly laughs.  I’m not saying this guy is the “one” but it is nice to have some fun with someone who lets you be yourself with no pressure and vice versa.  It also is great when someone looks at you with a flirtatious smile and says sweet nothings not like the fool who passed me a condom across the table like a drug deal and then would not  understand why I said, “No Thanks”.  We had only just met and were half way through our drink when he did his “smooth” move.  Of course as he did it all I could say was, “What are you doing passing me a bag of weed or something?”  This guy was a 47 year old teacher with a way with words but in person failed tremendously.  Even if I was a prostitute that move wouldn’t have been appropriate. Some people are just delusional.

I will continue to get to know my new friend and we will see where this will lead and if nothing else I was able to meet a nice guy who appreciated a good laugh and some fun times.

So as always my friends lets give our golden smile away and spread the sunshine!! 🙂

 

 

 

 

Sep18

Reflections

Posted on by
Standard

It’s a new beautiful day and yesterdays struggle still lingers but I know in my heart she will always be with me.  It was one of those years that it just was tougher to get through the day, the feelings were just so fresh even though I lost her a little over 16 years ago.  I know some say it gets easier as time passes but I can say, “That’s BULLSHIT!”  One just learns to live without their physical presence but they are always in your heart and memories.  There will always be times when we just miss them so much that it brings us to tears or the emotions of losing them resurface in a tidal wave and it hurts tremendously.  There is no shame in that but some people will not accept that having those moments are okay and that is okay also.  We all have our own coping mechanisms not that it is always the healthiest way for us but it is what we chose at the time and with time those ideas may change.  I know this to be true because for such a long time I was numb by choice.  I just didn’t know how to be alive, I didn’t know how to enjoy the gift of life because I was feeling guilty of not being able to save her life and because I couldn’t fix it and that is my job as a mom.  For so very long I just functioned, went through the motions of being an adult but couldn’t bring myself back to life.  I didn’t know how.  I didn’t know how to ask for help or guidance or really ask for anything.  I had lost so much from such a young age that I didn’t want to have to go through losing anyone else that I pushed the world away but little did I know I was losing myself in the process.

Through the years food became by best friend and my worst enemy.  I truly experienced the love/hate love affair with food that many feel with another individual.  I ate to numb myself but yet I loved to feed people just as much as I loved to eat.  I loved taking care of people but didn’t want anyone that close that they would see me for this flawed, lonely, unlovable, broken woman that I was.  How could they understand that I am only human when I have been told I’m so strong for what I have been through and I keep going or that I’m so strong for not falling apart and still wanting more out of life.  I was crumbling in more ways than one in the inside and quickly.  The main reason I didn’t allow myself to throw my life completely away was I  knew my daughter wouldn’t want that, if she could face cancer with a smile on her face on 99.7% of her days dealing with that horrendous disease with all the pain from the disease itself or post surgeries.  She would never want to see me stop living because she didn’t make it and in my mind my half-assed way of living was sustaining me in the moment.  Before I knew it this was the only way I knew how to live, the only way I could be safe from any additional pain besides what was already happening in my life.  After Soli passed away I knew it wouldn’t be long before my mom would pass also.  My mom had been sick for so many years by then.  I knew she was struggling to stay with us but she was growing tired and weaker with each day, she was finally diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after many years of false conclusions.  This reality just made food even sexier than before.  At my heaviest I went up to an extra fluffy 314lbs.  I was one fluffy female and I didn’t want to see it because I refused to look at myself.  I never looked in a mirror below my shoulders but I can tell you this I walked with a confidence that fooled many but the closest ones to me knew otherwise.  My ex-husband Luis always made me feel beautiful but once I got back in my head I was fat, ugly and disgusting but I wasn’t in a place to fix that yet because I wasn’t ready to deal with all the pain and hurt I was holding onto.  I didn’t know at the time there was going to be plenty more to come before I finally crashed and burned.

So today I continue on my journey of getting healthy, making better food choices and embracing that this weight is a reflection of what I have been through but is no longer mine to hold onto.  Yes, there are times I want to sit down and have a whole package of cookies with a huge glass of milk(especially last night but I didn’t) but I’m accepting that I will only hurt myself more if I continue my life going down that road.  I have done so much in the last three years to heal and I continue this process everyday that I can’t go back to what no longer serves me.  Life is truly a gift I will not and cannot take advantage of that.

Happy day! Let’s make it a great one because we can no matter the obstacle, there is beauty in every situation even when it’s hard to see it.

Oh and don’t forget to smile, you never know who is watching and needs that smile to help them through the day! 🙂

 

 

 

 

Sep16

Body Image

Posted on by
Standard

So as I continue to work on this extra baggage called my ‘fluffiness” I am coming across interesting interpretations of my weight by men.  I know not all men view me in this light but I have found that recently this has been coming up more frequently so I’m just sorting through it.  It’s hard enough going through the psychological part of losing weight, the perplexity of your body changing and embracing the changes(even though some of them are not cool right now) and the desire to dip into those old habits because it’s what I know.

So back to these insults wrapped in make shift compliments.  I am single and dating(dating can be overrated at times) so this is where I am getting this from.  I met what I thought was a nice guy, the conversation would flow easily and plenty of laughs, I have a soft spot for a funny guy.  We exchange pictures and all is well until he has time to dissect the full body image I had sent. (Please keep in mind I have never denied I am a full-figured woman)

I get a text back from him and it goes like this; “are you pregnant?”  “did you lose weight?” “umm I’m not sure”.  My reply; “No I am not pregnant and yes I did lose some weight.  if you are not interested anymore from the pic that is fine with me.  Be well”  He replies, “I’m really into fitness.  You need to do something about your tummy, you would be really pretty if you did something about it, insurance will pay for it but good for you for losing weight.”

So, I can either completely have a crazy lady moment and go off on him and which end up in a total funk and want to cry and eat until I am sick or do as I did.  I didn’t reply to that insult, I laughed it off and was grateful for the sanity that I could keep in this moment.  There was no need for him to insult me and ignorance like that seems to be more common amongst the ones who continue to base everything on superficial, photo shopped ideas of beauty.  As I continue my journey of becoming the healthiest I have ever been I have noticed there are stages that we go through and our body goes through and at some points they do not match.  I know yes my body is not perfect and I will always be a work in progress and who am I to judge another’s body when their struggle is just that, theirs.

 

So for now I see this as a step for me and a loss for ignorance.  Now onto making this body a healthier one.

 

 

Sep11

Loving my outside

Posted on by
Standard

In this journey of regaining control of my weight, finding a healthy place in my life, loving myself for all its entirety and ending the self-destructive reign of self-abuse with food, I am learning to enjoy food and not hide behind gorging myself with food to numb the pain.  For so long food was my escape for life.  I was able to numb the pain with outlandish food binges, of course all of it was bad, crappy but oh so yummy foods, that could last days. I am so guilty of spending weekends locked in my apartment bingeing on cakes, cookies, burgers, chinese food, soda, chips and whatever else I could get my hands on.  I remember the times the supermarket run was for bad food only and I ate every last bite with pleasure than I would cry myself to sleep, or verbally degrade myself, or sleep for days on end, or it was time to go back into reality. So much had gone on from so early on in my life that I created my own little world that was safe as long as everyone was over there and I was with myself and my coping mechanisms.

I remember this cycle starting as far back as 5 years old when my than alcoholic father argued viciously with my mom when he was on one of his drinking binges.  I was always just a few feet behind watching my mom ingest the verbal abuse to protect my brother and I from becoming his target.  Once I was alone again I would sneak food and hide in my room or in the playroom in the basement to make it all go away.  Not that it ever did but I was convinced it worked.  As time had passed and the situation just worsened so did my binges to the point it just became a way of life.  Once my mom was diagnosed with advanced multiple sclerosis and wasn’t able to care for my brother and I it all went to hell in a hand basket.  I was 14, just starting high school and going to a school I literally only knew two people in the whole school, my next door neighbors.  So then a new cycle had begun and having already spent so many years feeling completely alone in a world filled with so many “loved ones” but it seemed I was pushed away for whatever reason they needed to give at that moment, or they didn’t have time to for someone else’s kid, or the knowledge that no I didn’t fit in like I would have liked.  I knew this so-called great time of my life, the awkward teenage years, was not going to get any easier anytime soon.  I just wanted my mom to get better so we could be home with her again.

Well back to my fluffy self finding a better way to live. So now that I have worked on all the inside stuff and continue to work on it as it is a never-ending process.  I am creating a new relationship with food and embracing what that means on a healthy level.  I had gained so much weight over the years and tried every diet under the sun but of course they didn’t work because the cause of the pain was denied until I crash and burned.  I am learning to look at the food as a way to sustain myself as I live and not a shovel to bury myself. I look in the mirror and now see a body that doesn’t match what I feel inside and its time to fix that.  No, I don’t want to be some photo shopped supermodel in a magazine, no I don’t want to be what others would consider the “ideal” weight for me, I will be the right weight once I am feeling healthy and comfortable in that size “?” when I get there.

So here’s to getting healthy and letting go of the excess baggage at the side of the road.

I will keep you posted.  Now off to a yummy lunch and a brisk walk.

May21

Core love

Posted on by
Standard

I start here with just the need to be stripped naked of all I know, of all I knew and the pain that comes with it. I stand here naked wanting to feel touched by love, real love, from the core love. I once felt it from my little girl but she watches from the heavens now. It’s almost 16 years that she is gone and I miss her as much as the day she took her last breath. My heart broke in a million pieces, it stopped working but I knew I had to go on because she would be watching. So I seek again a love that I once felt as now I have learned to love myself in that way and would like to share what I have learned.