Good morning SUNSHINE!!

This weekend was fantastic but did include a few bummer moments within myself.  I was able to spend time with some very dear friends this weekend and just let loose, we laughed until we were sober, we had ah-hah moments, we learned so much of ourselves as women and it all felt like we were back in our teenage years in high school being carefree and truly living in the moments.  On Saturday the ladies and I spent hours filled with laugher while playing Bocce ball, sipping wine from Styrofoam coffee cups, don’t judge they had lids.  LOL  We took silly pictures like giggly teenage girls and couldn’t stop laughing at ourselves and the shenanigans that were going on.  We danced around like innocent young girls running in a field with no cares in the world.  It was so great to hear ourselves after many year have passed how we remembered the words of songs we danced to years ago and the hysterical stories that are attached to these songs.  We may have cried then but when you have the pleasure of reaching an age where you can just laugh at yourself and its simplicity, it truly is priceless. Then we started viewing the pictures and I was not happy with what I saw.  I have been working hard at shedding this weight and I felt I looked bigger now than I did before I committed to becoming healthy and that was a complete bummer.  I know the number on the scale has gone down and I know I have lost inches around different areas of my body but what I saw was completely different.  I know it is a process and the mental aspect of any change in life takes time and understanding.  What we would like to see isn’t always the process your body will reveal when you want it but I just couldn’t get past looking like I was pregnant in some photos or just a bit wider than 3 months ago before I started this change.  Yes, I realize it is soon to expect much of a change but I sure didn’t want to look bigger.  I didn’t let that ruin the day but I can say I wasn’t happy with the results and I was even more cautious of what I was eating and of what I was drinking.  My dear friend noticed I wasn’t happy with the pictures where my belly seemed bigger to me even though she reassured me I looked great and she could see the difference.  This is a struggle I know will take time to resolve.

On Sunday, I went to the Grounds for Sculpture in New Jersey.  It was absolutely breath taking and if you love to be in nature with secret garden passage ways complimented by beautiful sculptures this is a great place to go.  My inner photographer was in her glory and gaining another day in nature, before the cool of fall sets, with friends who have become family is a plus.  The artistry and the perplex minds that create these wonders are extraordinary.  My favorite part was finding this hidden walkways that would twist and turn to reveal sculptures that would just intrigue you and keep you wanting more.  It almost felt nostalgic at some points.  I couldn’t get enough pictures of all the wonder that kept revealing itself.  Some of the true artistry was nature’s own work.  I would not call myself a photographer but a lover of beauty in its truest and rarest forms.  I once again was unhappy with photos that others were taking of me and the way my body seemed to defy the work that I have put into her the last few months.  I cannot get past how my belly looks so much bigger than before and trust me when I say there is no way I could be pregnant.  The visual struggle seems to be the biggest struggle of it all.  The learning to have a healthy relationship with food and selecting healthier foods without feeling deprived even when I am out and want all those naughty fried or sugary foods is easier to transition away from.  The hardest part of this whole lifestyle change is the reflection in the mirror, not liking what I see but knowing the results I expect take time and my body is going through just as many  physical changes as I am mentally.

Do I love myself enough to not let this be a set back? Absolutely and I know these are the biggest challenges.  I know this is cliché but here it goes anyway, “Anything in life worth having is worth working for.” My health is definitely worth working towards and it will remain on the top of my list of what is important in my life.  I started my journey towards mental and spiritual health 3 years ago and I have finally incorporated my physical health, I can say thus far this has been one of the most liberating ventures I have ever gone on in my life.  So I chose to make it another day closer to being my healthiest self, mentally, spiritually and physically.  Of course I will have days that I want to throw in the towel but those seem to be less frequent than ever before.

So smile today because you are someone’s sunshine even if you don’t know them.  🙂