Tag Archives: love

Jul30

Longing for my friend

Posted on by
Standard
Longing for my friend

I remember the gentle touch of your hands holding my face as you looked deeply into my eyes.  Your eyes always so warm and nurturing, they felt like home even when I didn’t understand that feeling.  They were a safe place, no harm would be brought to me in your loving eyes.  You had a way of whispering the sweetest words of love and encouragement but I was so wounded to appreciate or accept them.  I couldn’t see nor understand what you saw in me, I wouldn’t see it until years later after we had moved on in our lives but yet always in arms reach of the other.  I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror through your eyes and see the woman who had found a place in your heart, she was was broken and fragile and you knew it.  Yet you remained by my side for as long as you could, as my friend, as my family, but most of all as my mirror.

I remember the way you would play with my hair until I fell asleep next to you, my breath being the lullaby that rocked you to sleep every night.  You always waited for me to fall asleep first so you could watch me for a bit, those were my most vulnerable moments, all my guards were down and I knew I was safe with you by my side.  You would tell me I looked like an warrior goddess that finally was able to rest.

I remember your way of being fully present at the exact moments I needed it the most, it was one of the qualities I will never forget.  I was always protected and loved by you but never held back from all I wanted, from my purpose, or from my practices.  You never stopped me from my hearts desires but pushed me to reach for all I aspired to do.  You understood who I am and why I am here before I even knew.

I remember the last time you held me and told me I was the reason you keep pushing forward even in our separate lives, you were hurting physically, your illness taking over but your heart staying in control.  You let me see into your eyes in ways you let no other.  I saw the pain and exhaustion you let no other know of.  You were the one they all turned to and this time around I was your rock, your strength, your safe arms to fall into.  You told me so many details you spared all the others from especially your daughter.  She is too young to have to deal with those details, watching her father hurt and become weak were more than any little girl should endure.  You did your best at staying strong for the rest of them and regularly reminded me that it was a lesson learned from me many years ago.  Who would have known that my survival skills and stubbornness would help you in these times.  I wish you didn’t have to go through such difficult times, wasn’t our experience together enough, wasn’t that lose enough for both of us in this lifetime.  Yet you didn’t complain about the illness but just the dark side of the less of your ability to be a dad to your daughter, to be the rescuing big brother, the adoring partner and helpful son.

I remember every day that I am one of the luckiest woman because I was loved in a way you read in fairy tales.  I had the blessing of feeling completely safe even in our darkest times because you wouldn’t let me down.  You always tried your best and I thank you for that.

I will always remember I am blessed to have known you.  I will always remember that I am blessed to have had a mirror in my life that held me safe even in my darkest hours.  I will always remember that we were one of the best things that happened in my life.

I long for your embrace once again.  I love you my friend.

Jul23

No More No’s

Posted on by
Standard
No More No’s

She stopped worrying what others might say
She stopped needing answers
She stopped looking for a way to please
She stopped contemplating and took the deepest, sweetest breath & let it all go

She screamed that breath right out of her, the breath that ripped its way right out of her hunched & bound body
She screamed the pain, the anger & frustration right out into the universe
Her scream so boisterous the birds sang to the deafening sound that released itself from deep inside her core
Her scream so profound she was weakened & crumbled to her knees

She cried, she kicked, she stomped, she whispered, “Enough”, as she looked lovingly at the woman in the mirror
She cried & she cried some more as the weight lifted, it fell, it struggled &  it dissipated into nothingness

She saw the wounded woman open her eyes as she walked out of her cage
The shackles & chains falling to the ground with a loud and echoing bang
She remembered those beautiful eyes that had been blindfolded by so much hurt, neglect, pain, torture, & rejection
She smiled & her eyes started to shine, to sparkle, to shimmer the way they used to
The veil of life’s past was finally being removed

The softest whisper was heard on the ruffling leaves as the breeze caressed them
The whisper with words of love and familiarity
The whisper that was her song, oh what a sweet sound it was
The whisper that made her heart race faster than it had in decades
The whisper that had her moving those voluptuous Latina hips, moving to her own beat, her heart beating as her drum & her feet leading each step
Her body swaying so seductively mesmerizing, it was pure untainted ecstasy & passion flooding her veins
The whisper that helped her let go and let her Be in this very moment
Her body finding its darkest corners & illuminated them with her sparkle

Her voice, the sweetest sound to vibrate throughout her home
Her song dancing off her lips as if it had never been forgotten
Her voice seductive and sultry to the ears of a man
Her voice strong, confident, & nurturing to the ears of children
Her voice the soothing sound of an Awakened Goddess

She shouted for the world to hear, “This beautiful Goddess has arrived!”

Jul22

Your Queen

Posted on by
Standard
Your Queen 
You long for the woman you have created in your fantasies. 
You long for the smell of her flesh upon yours. 
You long for the moment where you no longer need to 
be the lone king of your empire. 
You long for her to take her seat along side you as your Queen.

She is a simple woman with a love to stop an army. 
She is a simple woman whom has captivated your thoughts 
over and over. 
She is a simple woman who is not impressed by the glitz and glamour  
of your life nor lusts for it. 
She is the simple woman who has seen your truth and it cripples you.

You run away from the only woman who makes you shake.
You run away from the woman whom will provide you the life you state you desire. 
You run away from a simplicity that she will bring to your life. 
You run away from the one woman that has you walking in circles, 
never showing when you insist you will, 
never being able to stand in front of her without crumbling to your knees. 

She is the woman whom controls your heart strings.
She is the woman whom makes you quiver with lust, with love, with safety, 
with power, with an urgency to protect her.
She is the woman unimpressed by your successes, your power and your empire.  
She is the woman who remains the mystery you are fearful of solving 
and acknowledging out loud. 
She is the woman you want to make your queen and it scares you to the core, 
rattles you in ways not even the strongest soldiers have been able to conquer. 

Your empire craves for her to claim her crown. 
Your empire needs a queen to take the reigns as you fight to conquer. 
Your empire is not her concern. 
Your empire is just that, yours. 

She is not yours and it drives you mad as it has driven so many others. 
She belongs to no one nor will she ever. 
She is the force that cannot be reckoned with, even in her silence 
she makes cities crumble. 
She will always cripple the men that long for her as you do, her power will 
consume your very core. 
She will always be the Queen for your empire but she will never 
choose you for you have proven repeatedly you are not ready for her. 

You will remain weakened, crippled and defenseless against her, 
you will always be captivated by her essence without even a touch. 
She will always be your Queen.
Jul15

No expectations

Posted on by
Standard
No expectations

I cannot love with restrictions nor expectations. I give you my love with wings and if you choose to fly my love, I will see you off with all the blessings in my heart, and if we may cross paths again I want to curl up in your arms and listen excitingly to all your adventures as the words dance off your tongue.

I cannot love with blinders nor restraints.  I give you my love with fluidity and grace so you may travel down the rivers and oceans and like the tides your heart will come back in to hear my song.  On those days that you need to be held and loved you will hear me whisper to you ever so softly on the gentlest breeze that will hold you in its rapture and remind you of my embrace.

I cannot love with hatred nor bitterness.  I give you my love in its entirety and you will feel it fill you in ways only you know yourself to be able to do. I give you my love because I know I will not be empty when you are full my love, I will be filled again by my own love for self.  I give you this love because I know you need the warm to fill you, the nourishment you need to continue, the security that love exists even from places you have turned your back on.

I cannot love with regrets nor uncertainty.  I give you my love so you may give it to another, I want to know that I was able to aide in the continuation of love that is needed in this cold, dark, chaotic world.  I give you my love because I can and I do not want anything in return.

You see my love, I love you more than words can express and I wish upon the stars that you will be able to love in this way too.

Jul15

Your lips against mine

Posted on by
Standard
Just one last time can I feel you in my arms
Let me hold you in the most loving of ways
Before you go, can I see the corners of your lips reach your eyes
Just one last time can I see your smile

Just one last time can I feel your lips against mine
Your lips so soft, so warm and so inviting
Your lips commanding me to open and receive the heat and passion that is you
Your lips my weakness, your kiss my kryptonite, your breath so intoxicating
Just one last time can I touch your face oh so gently

Just one last time can I get lost in your eyes
Let me see your soul and wish it a farewell until our paths cross again
Let our love wish the other a safe journey 
For one last time, Can I be yours? Can I feel your lips against mine?

Just one last time...
Oct3

Feeling a certain kind of way…

Posted on by
Standard

SMILE!!!

Today I can say I’m feeling like, “Lizzie Got her Groove Back!”  It feels absolutely delicious.  It has been a while since I felt my sultry self stand tall and present first thing in the morning.  It is definitely an invigorating feeling to have all of your loveliness just shout from every each of your being and tell the world, “The Goddess has awoken and she is out to play.”  No, I am not being conceited but I am definitely feeling flirtatious, adventurous and playful.  There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and feeling confident in who you are, or how far you have come and or to love the person you see in the mirror.  To have the ability to look in the mirror and truthfully embrace all that you are, every flaw, every wrinkle, every gray hair, every laugh line and every other imperfection and know that you are bewitching.  There is something extremely alluring about someone who is confident, loves themselves for who they truly are in all of their essence.  Yes to me that is positively the most magnetic person that one can be.  When we embrace all of ourselves for our truth and walk in that truth it makes you feel complete and at home.

After many years of living in my own black hole I reached a point I knew it was time to heal and let all this “old stuff” go.  I had gotten in my own way and I needed to know what it is to be alive.  I started out on the journey of self and let me say it became grotesque at the sight of all that was surfacing.  It felt like I was creating this towering wall of everything I had never dealt with and it was frightening, intimidating and overwhelming.  When one has to bring up all that muck made up of old pain, anger, hurt, rejection and the memories of events that brought you to those emotions it becomes one of the hardest things to go through.  I had many days I just wanted to retreat and say, “Screw it all, it’s easier to stay in my black hole” but I knew that I couldn’t live in that abyss anymore.  It wasn’t safe, warm or comfortable and that wasn’t how anyone should live not that I can call it living but I was still breathing.  I remember the first women’s retreat I went on, it was a weekend event and I was terrified.  Even buying the tickets were a challenge but the universe will test you to see if you are truly ready for your next step.  I didn’t want to feel judged, alone or frowned upon but most of all I didn’t want anyone to see  me “naked” and the inner turmoil I was living in.  I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable or to look at myself in the mirror.  I knew I had to be strong and put on my game face or so I thought.  Well that went to shit in a hand basket within 30 minutes of being in that sacred space.  One of my dearest and oldest friends was sitting right across from me, she gave me her a loving smile and her wink and the tears started streaming down my face. I had never been in such an environment with so many beautiful women from all walks a life.  When you are so broken and tired of being so called strong everyone comes across as being what you strive to be and for me that was being able to be present in my life.  I felt like a scared little girl just needing her mothers arms to keep her safe but that was not going to happen but I was definitely held by a room filled with women who also needed the love and support I was craving.  It is amazing how easy it is to hold another but so fearful to hold yourself, or so I believed at that point.  It was one of the hardest things I had pushed myself to do.  This choice was all about me and I hadn’t done a healthy thing for myself in numerous years, who knew that was going to be one of the greatest and most loving decisions I would make for myself.  I cried so many tears that weekend and committed myself to myself in front of 30 other women.  If you want to talk pressure that is the way to do it, we were all going to hold the other accountable for standing by their word to self.  It was one of the most liberating moments of my life all at the same time.  Those words that poured out of me started out with a meek trembling voice and soon were full-mouthed and commanding.  I was releasing what no longer served me and I was going to stand by that.  Enough was enough!!!  I remember turning around  from the alter where I placed my white candle and offered my words.  As I looked up to find my way back to my seat and tears were running down my face I was embraced by true love radiating from women who did not know me but felt me and supported me.  It felt as if I was in my mothers arms being held securely and that was the moment I knew this wasn’t going to get easier but I wasn’t alone so I couldn’t stop now.  I was safe.  It was the start of the rest of my life I just hadn’t known it yet.  Who would have thought that years later I could look back and want to shout my story out to the world?  Who would have thought I needed to be naked and love every moment of it?

Here is to living naked!!!

Smile, and share the sunshine!! 🙂

Sep17

My Angel’s Birthday! <3

Posted on by
Standard
My Angel’s Birthday! <3

HAPPY 19TH  BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL IN HEAVEN SOLI!

It has been 17 years since I was blessed to spend a birthday with you.  The circumstances weren’t ideal but I still had you with me.  I still remember that day as if it was just the other day.  You were on your first round of chemotherapy for Ewing Sarcoma and a bit cranky but excited because it was your birthday.

Your favorite RN Elena had brought you a big birthday breakfast and gifts.   She spoiled you so much but who didn’t.  You had charisma that no one could resist, of course this sounds bias because I’m your mom but I would love to just sit back and watch you just pull people in with your charm and amazing smile(I swear you were an old soul).  So back to your 2nd birthday so many years ago.  We were in “your room” 719 at Montefiore Medical Center in NYC and it was a beautiful morning much like today but warmer.  Elena had brought you scrambled eggs, chicken strips and French fries topped with plenty of ketchup(I know it wasn’t the ideal breakfast but I wasn’t going to argue since she wanted to eat.  The chemo was depleting her appetite more and more each day).  Your huge smile and infectious laugh when you saw her with your breakfast and gifts still rings in my ears today.  She laughed so hard when she heard you that Svetlana(Pediatric Day LPN) came running in to see what all the commotion was about.  Even she started to laugh when she realized what was going on.  She sang happy birthday to you along with the silly dance that she always did for you while she took your vitals and we laughed even more.  You opened up your gifts and gave Elena the biggest hug.  She held you so close and whispered that she wishes for you to have the best birthday ever.  It was the beginning of a birthday filled with laughs and plenty of birthday wishes for you.  I was so happy the day had started so well considering that it could turn at any point as the chemo kept pumping into your little body.  You had been responding well so far with no side effects but yet it was only day 3.  The phone calls starting coming in and you laughed at everyone who sang you happy birthday on the phone.  It was your day to be a birthday princess and you deserved it.  You were facing this challenge with a warriors stance and I didn’t know what else to do but be your rock and a loving mom.  When daddy called you streaked and laughed so hard that the ladies at the reception desk heard you and laughed. They all knew it was Sonia’s day.  The ladies were so wonderful with you at all times but made sure it was a special day for you.  Christine from the playroom stopped in and walked you over to the playroom to spend some time with 3 other children that were also receiving chemo and they all sang you happy birthday.  Who would have thought that such a stressful situation could still be such a wonderful birthday by 11 am.  I remember standing there with their moms and we all just knew how precious that moment was.  It is an understanding that only a parent who is going through the same pain understands.  No one wants to watch their child with an illness that can go either way and you have no control over the outcome.  Yes, we do our best to make the choices we need towards the best treatment and procedures but its heart wrenching  nonetheless.  When you just don’t know how much time you have with your child, will they go into remission, will they pass because of this horrible disease, how much will they suffer and through it all you can’t make it just go away.

Later that afternoon you had a full house of guests in a tiny hospital room.  In that small room you had at least 10 people in there at any given moment.  Then daddy showed up with your birthday cake and all the nurses and family sang happy birthday once again.  You smiled so much that day, the smile that would forever be etched in my mind.  You had more gifts than Toy R Us and put a smile on so many somber faces.  You always had a way of doing that.  You were ahead of your time my love.  May you dance in heaven with your daddy and laugh with your Grandmas.  I know they will all make sure its a grand event.  Until we meet again.

Happy Birthday my Angel!! You are the best thing that ever happened to me!  I am honored and grateful to be your mom!

Love you always!!

May21

Core love

Posted on by
Standard

I start here with just the need to be stripped naked of all I know, of all I knew and the pain that comes with it. I stand here naked wanting to feel touched by love, real love, from the core love. I once felt it from my little girl but she watches from the heavens now. It’s almost 16 years that she is gone and I miss her as much as the day she took her last breath. My heart broke in a million pieces, it stopped working but I knew I had to go on because she would be watching. So I seek again a love that I once felt as now I have learned to love myself in that way and would like to share what I have learned.