Tag Archives: loss

Jul30

Longing for my friend

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Longing for my friend

I remember the gentle touch of your hands holding my face as you looked deeply into my eyes.  Your eyes always so warm and nurturing, they felt like home even when I didn’t understand that feeling.  They were a safe place, no harm would be brought to me in your loving eyes.  You had a way of whispering the sweetest words of love and encouragement but I was so wounded to appreciate or accept them.  I couldn’t see nor understand what you saw in me, I wouldn’t see it until years later after we had moved on in our lives but yet always in arms reach of the other.  I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror through your eyes and see the woman who had found a place in your heart, she was was broken and fragile and you knew it.  Yet you remained by my side for as long as you could, as my friend, as my family, but most of all as my mirror.

I remember the way you would play with my hair until I fell asleep next to you, my breath being the lullaby that rocked you to sleep every night.  You always waited for me to fall asleep first so you could watch me for a bit, those were my most vulnerable moments, all my guards were down and I knew I was safe with you by my side.  You would tell me I looked like an warrior goddess that finally was able to rest.

I remember your way of being fully present at the exact moments I needed it the most, it was one of the qualities I will never forget.  I was always protected and loved by you but never held back from all I wanted, from my purpose, or from my practices.  You never stopped me from my hearts desires but pushed me to reach for all I aspired to do.  You understood who I am and why I am here before I even knew.

I remember the last time you held me and told me I was the reason you keep pushing forward even in our separate lives, you were hurting physically, your illness taking over but your heart staying in control.  You let me see into your eyes in ways you let no other.  I saw the pain and exhaustion you let no other know of.  You were the one they all turned to and this time around I was your rock, your strength, your safe arms to fall into.  You told me so many details you spared all the others from especially your daughter.  She is too young to have to deal with those details, watching her father hurt and become weak were more than any little girl should endure.  You did your best at staying strong for the rest of them and regularly reminded me that it was a lesson learned from me many years ago.  Who would have known that my survival skills and stubbornness would help you in these times.  I wish you didn’t have to go through such difficult times, wasn’t our experience together enough, wasn’t that lose enough for both of us in this lifetime.  Yet you didn’t complain about the illness but just the dark side of the less of your ability to be a dad to your daughter, to be the rescuing big brother, the adoring partner and helpful son.

I remember every day that I am one of the luckiest woman because I was loved in a way you read in fairy tales.  I had the blessing of feeling completely safe even in our darkest times because you wouldn’t let me down.  You always tried your best and I thank you for that.

I will always remember I am blessed to have known you.  I will always remember that I am blessed to have had a mirror in my life that held me safe even in my darkest hours.  I will always remember that we were one of the best things that happened in my life.

I long for your embrace once again.  I love you my friend.

Jul23

No More No’s

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No More No’s

She stopped worrying what others might say
She stopped needing answers
She stopped looking for a way to please
She stopped contemplating and took the deepest, sweetest breath & let it all go

She screamed that breath right out of her, the breath that ripped its way right out of her hunched & bound body
She screamed the pain, the anger & frustration right out into the universe
Her scream so boisterous the birds sang to the deafening sound that released itself from deep inside her core
Her scream so profound she was weakened & crumbled to her knees

She cried, she kicked, she stomped, she whispered, “Enough”, as she looked lovingly at the woman in the mirror
She cried & she cried some more as the weight lifted, it fell, it struggled &  it dissipated into nothingness

She saw the wounded woman open her eyes as she walked out of her cage
The shackles & chains falling to the ground with a loud and echoing bang
She remembered those beautiful eyes that had been blindfolded by so much hurt, neglect, pain, torture, & rejection
She smiled & her eyes started to shine, to sparkle, to shimmer the way they used to
The veil of life’s past was finally being removed

The softest whisper was heard on the ruffling leaves as the breeze caressed them
The whisper with words of love and familiarity
The whisper that was her song, oh what a sweet sound it was
The whisper that made her heart race faster than it had in decades
The whisper that had her moving those voluptuous Latina hips, moving to her own beat, her heart beating as her drum & her feet leading each step
Her body swaying so seductively mesmerizing, it was pure untainted ecstasy & passion flooding her veins
The whisper that helped her let go and let her Be in this very moment
Her body finding its darkest corners & illuminated them with her sparkle

Her voice, the sweetest sound to vibrate throughout her home
Her song dancing off her lips as if it had never been forgotten
Her voice seductive and sultry to the ears of a man
Her voice strong, confident, & nurturing to the ears of children
Her voice the soothing sound of an Awakened Goddess

She shouted for the world to hear, “This beautiful Goddess has arrived!”

Jul15

Your lips against mine

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Just one last time can I feel you in my arms
Let me hold you in the most loving of ways
Before you go, can I see the corners of your lips reach your eyes
Just one last time can I see your smile

Just one last time can I feel your lips against mine
Your lips so soft, so warm and so inviting
Your lips commanding me to open and receive the heat and passion that is you
Your lips my weakness, your kiss my kryptonite, your breath so intoxicating
Just one last time can I touch your face oh so gently

Just one last time can I get lost in your eyes
Let me see your soul and wish it a farewell until our paths cross again
Let our love wish the other a safe journey 
For one last time, Can I be yours? Can I feel your lips against mine?

Just one last time...
Sep25

Last day of my 30’s

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Happy Day!!

I am actually very excited to be 4o tomorrow.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions that last 30 days, on each day I made it a point to reflect on the last 39 years.  Life hasn’t always been filled with pleasant points, many parts of it was filled with trauma, loss, pain and loneliness but I wouldn’t change any of it.  I have been blessed with so much goodness and love even at the darkest of moments and I am exceptionally grateful for every last second of it.  I have lost so many wonderful people and many under the age of 40, so this birthday is truly a milestone for me.  I didn’t think I would make it this far, there were times I thought of suicide, even attempted it but the universe wasn’t not having that in any way.  The world still needed me to do more work here and I accepted that challenge.

The day I attempted suicide was while living in Texas and life was definitely not what I had envisioned for myself at that point of my life.  Clearly I was not in a place where I was emotionally, spiritually and mentally healthy.  I was living in a big, dark, scary and lonely place which was my own doing, which was my own self.  The last 13 years where crashing in on me and it was frightening.  I had not attempted to look inward and accept I needed to heal, to purge or feel any emotion.  I was numb and I thought it was a safe place.  I remember driving on the highway and feeling like life was choking me.  It was as if I couldn’t breath and I had been overcome with darkness.  I needed to just end this tornado that was in my head and heart.  I remember flooring the gas pedal and watching the speedometer as that wall was coming closer and closer.  I couldn’t get there fast enough.  I was doing 93mph and couldn’t have been more than 50 feet away from the way, than 40 feet than 30 feet than 20 feet and about 5 feet from the wall the car stopped.  It just stopped, shut off and stopped moving all in that split second.  WTF how can the car just stop, I was doing almost a hundred miles an hour.  How is it even possible?  I have no idea but in that moment all I could do was cry, scream, wail, and say “What the F&%K!!!???” over and over again.  It wasn’t possible that this was happening, there is no way a car just stops at that speed.  I was now angry at myself, I did I completely screw this up.  I sat in the car for at least an hour before I attempted to turn it back on and it wouldn’t.  I called my sister-in-law and told her the car had stalled and I need a jump.  She came right over with her friend and gave it a boost and we were on our way back home.  I never told her what happened or what I was attempting to do but if that wasn’t a sign then I don’t know what to tell you.  Those were definitely my angels saying that they were protecting me even from myself.  I spent the rest of that day just going through the motions but most of all I prayed and asked for forgiveness and guidance.  I’m so grateful it wasn’t my time to go that day.

So with that said I say, “Thank you universe for giving me another chance at this crazy roller coaster ride I call life and an upcoming 40th birthday!”

Smile and walk in gratitude today!! I know I will. 🙂

 

 

Sep18

Reflections

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It’s a new beautiful day and yesterdays struggle still lingers but I know in my heart she will always be with me.  It was one of those years that it just was tougher to get through the day, the feelings were just so fresh even though I lost her a little over 16 years ago.  I know some say it gets easier as time passes but I can say, “That’s BULLSHIT!”  One just learns to live without their physical presence but they are always in your heart and memories.  There will always be times when we just miss them so much that it brings us to tears or the emotions of losing them resurface in a tidal wave and it hurts tremendously.  There is no shame in that but some people will not accept that having those moments are okay and that is okay also.  We all have our own coping mechanisms not that it is always the healthiest way for us but it is what we chose at the time and with time those ideas may change.  I know this to be true because for such a long time I was numb by choice.  I just didn’t know how to be alive, I didn’t know how to enjoy the gift of life because I was feeling guilty of not being able to save her life and because I couldn’t fix it and that is my job as a mom.  For so very long I just functioned, went through the motions of being an adult but couldn’t bring myself back to life.  I didn’t know how.  I didn’t know how to ask for help or guidance or really ask for anything.  I had lost so much from such a young age that I didn’t want to have to go through losing anyone else that I pushed the world away but little did I know I was losing myself in the process.

Through the years food became by best friend and my worst enemy.  I truly experienced the love/hate love affair with food that many feel with another individual.  I ate to numb myself but yet I loved to feed people just as much as I loved to eat.  I loved taking care of people but didn’t want anyone that close that they would see me for this flawed, lonely, unlovable, broken woman that I was.  How could they understand that I am only human when I have been told I’m so strong for what I have been through and I keep going or that I’m so strong for not falling apart and still wanting more out of life.  I was crumbling in more ways than one in the inside and quickly.  The main reason I didn’t allow myself to throw my life completely away was I  knew my daughter wouldn’t want that, if she could face cancer with a smile on her face on 99.7% of her days dealing with that horrendous disease with all the pain from the disease itself or post surgeries.  She would never want to see me stop living because she didn’t make it and in my mind my half-assed way of living was sustaining me in the moment.  Before I knew it this was the only way I knew how to live, the only way I could be safe from any additional pain besides what was already happening in my life.  After Soli passed away I knew it wouldn’t be long before my mom would pass also.  My mom had been sick for so many years by then.  I knew she was struggling to stay with us but she was growing tired and weaker with each day, she was finally diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after many years of false conclusions.  This reality just made food even sexier than before.  At my heaviest I went up to an extra fluffy 314lbs.  I was one fluffy female and I didn’t want to see it because I refused to look at myself.  I never looked in a mirror below my shoulders but I can tell you this I walked with a confidence that fooled many but the closest ones to me knew otherwise.  My ex-husband Luis always made me feel beautiful but once I got back in my head I was fat, ugly and disgusting but I wasn’t in a place to fix that yet because I wasn’t ready to deal with all the pain and hurt I was holding onto.  I didn’t know at the time there was going to be plenty more to come before I finally crashed and burned.

So today I continue on my journey of getting healthy, making better food choices and embracing that this weight is a reflection of what I have been through but is no longer mine to hold onto.  Yes, there are times I want to sit down and have a whole package of cookies with a huge glass of milk(especially last night but I didn’t) but I’m accepting that I will only hurt myself more if I continue my life going down that road.  I have done so much in the last three years to heal and I continue this process everyday that I can’t go back to what no longer serves me.  Life is truly a gift I will not and cannot take advantage of that.

Happy day! Let’s make it a great one because we can no matter the obstacle, there is beauty in every situation even when it’s hard to see it.

Oh and don’t forget to smile, you never know who is watching and needs that smile to help them through the day! 🙂

 

 

 

 

Sep17

My Angel’s Birthday! <3

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My Angel’s Birthday! <3

HAPPY 19TH  BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL IN HEAVEN SOLI!

It has been 17 years since I was blessed to spend a birthday with you.  The circumstances weren’t ideal but I still had you with me.  I still remember that day as if it was just the other day.  You were on your first round of chemotherapy for Ewing Sarcoma and a bit cranky but excited because it was your birthday.

Your favorite RN Elena had brought you a big birthday breakfast and gifts.   She spoiled you so much but who didn’t.  You had charisma that no one could resist, of course this sounds bias because I’m your mom but I would love to just sit back and watch you just pull people in with your charm and amazing smile(I swear you were an old soul).  So back to your 2nd birthday so many years ago.  We were in “your room” 719 at Montefiore Medical Center in NYC and it was a beautiful morning much like today but warmer.  Elena had brought you scrambled eggs, chicken strips and French fries topped with plenty of ketchup(I know it wasn’t the ideal breakfast but I wasn’t going to argue since she wanted to eat.  The chemo was depleting her appetite more and more each day).  Your huge smile and infectious laugh when you saw her with your breakfast and gifts still rings in my ears today.  She laughed so hard when she heard you that Svetlana(Pediatric Day LPN) came running in to see what all the commotion was about.  Even she started to laugh when she realized what was going on.  She sang happy birthday to you along with the silly dance that she always did for you while she took your vitals and we laughed even more.  You opened up your gifts and gave Elena the biggest hug.  She held you so close and whispered that she wishes for you to have the best birthday ever.  It was the beginning of a birthday filled with laughs and plenty of birthday wishes for you.  I was so happy the day had started so well considering that it could turn at any point as the chemo kept pumping into your little body.  You had been responding well so far with no side effects but yet it was only day 3.  The phone calls starting coming in and you laughed at everyone who sang you happy birthday on the phone.  It was your day to be a birthday princess and you deserved it.  You were facing this challenge with a warriors stance and I didn’t know what else to do but be your rock and a loving mom.  When daddy called you streaked and laughed so hard that the ladies at the reception desk heard you and laughed. They all knew it was Sonia’s day.  The ladies were so wonderful with you at all times but made sure it was a special day for you.  Christine from the playroom stopped in and walked you over to the playroom to spend some time with 3 other children that were also receiving chemo and they all sang you happy birthday.  Who would have thought that such a stressful situation could still be such a wonderful birthday by 11 am.  I remember standing there with their moms and we all just knew how precious that moment was.  It is an understanding that only a parent who is going through the same pain understands.  No one wants to watch their child with an illness that can go either way and you have no control over the outcome.  Yes, we do our best to make the choices we need towards the best treatment and procedures but its heart wrenching  nonetheless.  When you just don’t know how much time you have with your child, will they go into remission, will they pass because of this horrible disease, how much will they suffer and through it all you can’t make it just go away.

Later that afternoon you had a full house of guests in a tiny hospital room.  In that small room you had at least 10 people in there at any given moment.  Then daddy showed up with your birthday cake and all the nurses and family sang happy birthday once again.  You smiled so much that day, the smile that would forever be etched in my mind.  You had more gifts than Toy R Us and put a smile on so many somber faces.  You always had a way of doing that.  You were ahead of your time my love.  May you dance in heaven with your daddy and laugh with your Grandmas.  I know they will all make sure its a grand event.  Until we meet again.

Happy Birthday my Angel!! You are the best thing that ever happened to me!  I am honored and grateful to be your mom!

Love you always!!