Tag Archives: growth

Jul30

Longing for my friend

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Longing for my friend

I remember the gentle touch of your hands holding my face as you looked deeply into my eyes.  Your eyes always so warm and nurturing, they felt like home even when I didn’t understand that feeling.  They were a safe place, no harm would be brought to me in your loving eyes.  You had a way of whispering the sweetest words of love and encouragement but I was so wounded to appreciate or accept them.  I couldn’t see nor understand what you saw in me, I wouldn’t see it until years later after we had moved on in our lives but yet always in arms reach of the other.  I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror through your eyes and see the woman who had found a place in your heart, she was was broken and fragile and you knew it.  Yet you remained by my side for as long as you could, as my friend, as my family, but most of all as my mirror.

I remember the way you would play with my hair until I fell asleep next to you, my breath being the lullaby that rocked you to sleep every night.  You always waited for me to fall asleep first so you could watch me for a bit, those were my most vulnerable moments, all my guards were down and I knew I was safe with you by my side.  You would tell me I looked like an warrior goddess that finally was able to rest.

I remember your way of being fully present at the exact moments I needed it the most, it was one of the qualities I will never forget.  I was always protected and loved by you but never held back from all I wanted, from my purpose, or from my practices.  You never stopped me from my hearts desires but pushed me to reach for all I aspired to do.  You understood who I am and why I am here before I even knew.

I remember the last time you held me and told me I was the reason you keep pushing forward even in our separate lives, you were hurting physically, your illness taking over but your heart staying in control.  You let me see into your eyes in ways you let no other.  I saw the pain and exhaustion you let no other know of.  You were the one they all turned to and this time around I was your rock, your strength, your safe arms to fall into.  You told me so many details you spared all the others from especially your daughter.  She is too young to have to deal with those details, watching her father hurt and become weak were more than any little girl should endure.  You did your best at staying strong for the rest of them and regularly reminded me that it was a lesson learned from me many years ago.  Who would have known that my survival skills and stubbornness would help you in these times.  I wish you didn’t have to go through such difficult times, wasn’t our experience together enough, wasn’t that lose enough for both of us in this lifetime.  Yet you didn’t complain about the illness but just the dark side of the less of your ability to be a dad to your daughter, to be the rescuing big brother, the adoring partner and helpful son.

I remember every day that I am one of the luckiest woman because I was loved in a way you read in fairy tales.  I had the blessing of feeling completely safe even in our darkest times because you wouldn’t let me down.  You always tried your best and I thank you for that.

I will always remember I am blessed to have known you.  I will always remember that I am blessed to have had a mirror in my life that held me safe even in my darkest hours.  I will always remember that we were one of the best things that happened in my life.

I long for your embrace once again.  I love you my friend.

Jul23

No More No’s

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No More No’s

She stopped worrying what others might say
She stopped needing answers
She stopped looking for a way to please
She stopped contemplating and took the deepest, sweetest breath & let it all go

She screamed that breath right out of her, the breath that ripped its way right out of her hunched & bound body
She screamed the pain, the anger & frustration right out into the universe
Her scream so boisterous the birds sang to the deafening sound that released itself from deep inside her core
Her scream so profound she was weakened & crumbled to her knees

She cried, she kicked, she stomped, she whispered, “Enough”, as she looked lovingly at the woman in the mirror
She cried & she cried some more as the weight lifted, it fell, it struggled &  it dissipated into nothingness

She saw the wounded woman open her eyes as she walked out of her cage
The shackles & chains falling to the ground with a loud and echoing bang
She remembered those beautiful eyes that had been blindfolded by so much hurt, neglect, pain, torture, & rejection
She smiled & her eyes started to shine, to sparkle, to shimmer the way they used to
The veil of life’s past was finally being removed

The softest whisper was heard on the ruffling leaves as the breeze caressed them
The whisper with words of love and familiarity
The whisper that was her song, oh what a sweet sound it was
The whisper that made her heart race faster than it had in decades
The whisper that had her moving those voluptuous Latina hips, moving to her own beat, her heart beating as her drum & her feet leading each step
Her body swaying so seductively mesmerizing, it was pure untainted ecstasy & passion flooding her veins
The whisper that helped her let go and let her Be in this very moment
Her body finding its darkest corners & illuminated them with her sparkle

Her voice, the sweetest sound to vibrate throughout her home
Her song dancing off her lips as if it had never been forgotten
Her voice seductive and sultry to the ears of a man
Her voice strong, confident, & nurturing to the ears of children
Her voice the soothing sound of an Awakened Goddess

She shouted for the world to hear, “This beautiful Goddess has arrived!”

Jul15

Your lips against mine

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Just one last time can I feel you in my arms
Let me hold you in the most loving of ways
Before you go, can I see the corners of your lips reach your eyes
Just one last time can I see your smile

Just one last time can I feel your lips against mine
Your lips so soft, so warm and so inviting
Your lips commanding me to open and receive the heat and passion that is you
Your lips my weakness, your kiss my kryptonite, your breath so intoxicating
Just one last time can I touch your face oh so gently

Just one last time can I get lost in your eyes
Let me see your soul and wish it a farewell until our paths cross again
Let our love wish the other a safe journey 
For one last time, Can I be yours? Can I feel your lips against mine?

Just one last time...
Oct3

Feeling a certain kind of way…

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SMILE!!!

Today I can say I’m feeling like, “Lizzie Got her Groove Back!”  It feels absolutely delicious.  It has been a while since I felt my sultry self stand tall and present first thing in the morning.  It is definitely an invigorating feeling to have all of your loveliness just shout from every each of your being and tell the world, “The Goddess has awoken and she is out to play.”  No, I am not being conceited but I am definitely feeling flirtatious, adventurous and playful.  There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and feeling confident in who you are, or how far you have come and or to love the person you see in the mirror.  To have the ability to look in the mirror and truthfully embrace all that you are, every flaw, every wrinkle, every gray hair, every laugh line and every other imperfection and know that you are bewitching.  There is something extremely alluring about someone who is confident, loves themselves for who they truly are in all of their essence.  Yes to me that is positively the most magnetic person that one can be.  When we embrace all of ourselves for our truth and walk in that truth it makes you feel complete and at home.

After many years of living in my own black hole I reached a point I knew it was time to heal and let all this “old stuff” go.  I had gotten in my own way and I needed to know what it is to be alive.  I started out on the journey of self and let me say it became grotesque at the sight of all that was surfacing.  It felt like I was creating this towering wall of everything I had never dealt with and it was frightening, intimidating and overwhelming.  When one has to bring up all that muck made up of old pain, anger, hurt, rejection and the memories of events that brought you to those emotions it becomes one of the hardest things to go through.  I had many days I just wanted to retreat and say, “Screw it all, it’s easier to stay in my black hole” but I knew that I couldn’t live in that abyss anymore.  It wasn’t safe, warm or comfortable and that wasn’t how anyone should live not that I can call it living but I was still breathing.  I remember the first women’s retreat I went on, it was a weekend event and I was terrified.  Even buying the tickets were a challenge but the universe will test you to see if you are truly ready for your next step.  I didn’t want to feel judged, alone or frowned upon but most of all I didn’t want anyone to see  me “naked” and the inner turmoil I was living in.  I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable or to look at myself in the mirror.  I knew I had to be strong and put on my game face or so I thought.  Well that went to shit in a hand basket within 30 minutes of being in that sacred space.  One of my dearest and oldest friends was sitting right across from me, she gave me her a loving smile and her wink and the tears started streaming down my face. I had never been in such an environment with so many beautiful women from all walks a life.  When you are so broken and tired of being so called strong everyone comes across as being what you strive to be and for me that was being able to be present in my life.  I felt like a scared little girl just needing her mothers arms to keep her safe but that was not going to happen but I was definitely held by a room filled with women who also needed the love and support I was craving.  It is amazing how easy it is to hold another but so fearful to hold yourself, or so I believed at that point.  It was one of the hardest things I had pushed myself to do.  This choice was all about me and I hadn’t done a healthy thing for myself in numerous years, who knew that was going to be one of the greatest and most loving decisions I would make for myself.  I cried so many tears that weekend and committed myself to myself in front of 30 other women.  If you want to talk pressure that is the way to do it, we were all going to hold the other accountable for standing by their word to self.  It was one of the most liberating moments of my life all at the same time.  Those words that poured out of me started out with a meek trembling voice and soon were full-mouthed and commanding.  I was releasing what no longer served me and I was going to stand by that.  Enough was enough!!!  I remember turning around  from the alter where I placed my white candle and offered my words.  As I looked up to find my way back to my seat and tears were running down my face I was embraced by true love radiating from women who did not know me but felt me and supported me.  It felt as if I was in my mothers arms being held securely and that was the moment I knew this wasn’t going to get easier but I wasn’t alone so I couldn’t stop now.  I was safe.  It was the start of the rest of my life I just hadn’t known it yet.  Who would have thought that years later I could look back and want to shout my story out to the world?  Who would have thought I needed to be naked and love every moment of it?

Here is to living naked!!!

Smile, and share the sunshine!! 🙂

Oct2

So far so good…

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Happy Thursday!!

 

This whole dating thing can be a bit overwhelming and discouraging at times but I have actually met someone who has been fun and considerate thus far, I will stay optimistic.  I knew there were still good men out there because there a good women who will appreciate them as much as they will her.  I hear ladies speak of how there are no good men, that for sure is not the truth.  There are the good ones and then there are the “other” ones.  We have all had our ups and downs in relationships and some of us come out more scarred than others or we bring along the remnants of an old relationship into a new one(we need to leave all that crap behind), and sometimes we are distressed and empty so, we do not allow ourselves to heal before we end up in another relationship.  There are numerous other reasons why someone continues to hold onto the past hurt, anger and other emotions which causes only for ourselves to suffer longer and hurt others whether intentional or not.  I know personally I experienced an emotional roller coaster at the end of my last relationship, I loved him dearly and it broke my heart when it came to an end.  I am grateful for taking time for me to grieve, to heal and to love me again for who I have become, even though some felt it was too long.  Some felt I just needed to sleep with someone or someones and that would help but I knew in my heart that was not the case.  I didn’t want to deal with someone else’s energies or nonsense when I knew my stuff was in disarray and needed some good old fashion TLC.  After my marriage had fallen apart and I realized that my once husband was my best friend and would only ever be that.  I went and I did my thing and enjoyed the single life in a very carefree way.  I partied, I dated and all the other good stuff in between.  I knew at this stage of my life that was not the way for me to go again.  The idea of someone heavy breathing on me, sweat dripping off of them and then the possibility of a cuddle after made me queasy.  All I wanted was to be with myself and my stuff.

So back to this guy who has been adding a pep to my step these last few days.  It’s been refreshing and I feel like a schoolgirl with a new cute guy in school.  The playfulness that comes with someone who you do not mind around is a huge deal especially as we get older.  I have no time or energy to waste on people or things that drag me down and/or want to hold me back.   The rush of a new adventure with someone who can make you laugh and smile just with the smallest of gestures or being able to respond to my wit so quickly.  It makes it fun conversation and plenty of belly laughs.  I’m not saying this guy is the “one” but it is nice to have some fun with someone who lets you be yourself with no pressure and vice versa.  It also is great when someone looks at you with a flirtatious smile and says sweet nothings not like the fool who passed me a condom across the table like a drug deal and then would not  understand why I said, “No Thanks”.  We had only just met and were half way through our drink when he did his “smooth” move.  Of course as he did it all I could say was, “What are you doing passing me a bag of weed or something?”  This guy was a 47 year old teacher with a way with words but in person failed tremendously.  Even if I was a prostitute that move wouldn’t have been appropriate. Some people are just delusional.

I will continue to get to know my new friend and we will see where this will lead and if nothing else I was able to meet a nice guy who appreciated a good laugh and some fun times.

So as always my friends lets give our golden smile away and spread the sunshine!! 🙂

 

 

 

 

Sep22

Adjusting to the change

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Adjusting to the change

Good morning SUNSHINE!!

This weekend was fantastic but did include a few bummer moments within myself.  I was able to spend time with some very dear friends this weekend and just let loose, we laughed until we were sober, we had ah-hah moments, we learned so much of ourselves as women and it all felt like we were back in our teenage years in high school being carefree and truly living in the moments.  On Saturday the ladies and I spent hours filled with laugher while playing Bocce ball, sipping wine from Styrofoam coffee cups, don’t judge they had lids.  LOL  We took silly pictures like giggly teenage girls and couldn’t stop laughing at ourselves and the shenanigans that were going on.  We danced around like innocent young girls running in a field with no cares in the world.  It was so great to hear ourselves after many year have passed how we remembered the words of songs we danced to years ago and the hysterical stories that are attached to these songs.  We may have cried then but when you have the pleasure of reaching an age where you can just laugh at yourself and its simplicity, it truly is priceless. Then we started viewing the pictures and I was not happy with what I saw.  I have been working hard at shedding this weight and I felt I looked bigger now than I did before I committed to becoming healthy and that was a complete bummer.  I know the number on the scale has gone down and I know I have lost inches around different areas of my body but what I saw was completely different.  I know it is a process and the mental aspect of any change in life takes time and understanding.  What we would like to see isn’t always the process your body will reveal when you want it but I just couldn’t get past looking like I was pregnant in some photos or just a bit wider than 3 months ago before I started this change.  Yes, I realize it is soon to expect much of a change but I sure didn’t want to look bigger.  I didn’t let that ruin the day but I can say I wasn’t happy with the results and I was even more cautious of what I was eating and of what I was drinking.  My dear friend noticed I wasn’t happy with the pictures where my belly seemed bigger to me even though she reassured me I looked great and she could see the difference.  This is a struggle I know will take time to resolve.

On Sunday, I went to the Grounds for Sculpture in New Jersey.  It was absolutely breath taking and if you love to be in nature with secret garden passage ways complimented by beautiful sculptures this is a great place to go.  My inner photographer was in her glory and gaining another day in nature, before the cool of fall sets, with friends who have become family is a plus.  The artistry and the perplex minds that create these wonders are extraordinary.  My favorite part was finding this hidden walkways that would twist and turn to reveal sculptures that would just intrigue you and keep you wanting more.  It almost felt nostalgic at some points.  I couldn’t get enough pictures of all the wonder that kept revealing itself.  Some of the true artistry was nature’s own work.  I would not call myself a photographer but a lover of beauty in its truest and rarest forms.  I once again was unhappy with photos that others were taking of me and the way my body seemed to defy the work that I have put into her the last few months.  I cannot get past how my belly looks so much bigger than before and trust me when I say there is no way I could be pregnant.  The visual struggle seems to be the biggest struggle of it all.  The learning to have a healthy relationship with food and selecting healthier foods without feeling deprived even when I am out and want all those naughty fried or sugary foods is easier to transition away from.  The hardest part of this whole lifestyle change is the reflection in the mirror, not liking what I see but knowing the results I expect take time and my body is going through just as many  physical changes as I am mentally.

Do I love myself enough to not let this be a set back? Absolutely and I know these are the biggest challenges.  I know this is cliché but here it goes anyway, “Anything in life worth having is worth working for.” My health is definitely worth working towards and it will remain on the top of my list of what is important in my life.  I started my journey towards mental and spiritual health 3 years ago and I have finally incorporated my physical health, I can say thus far this has been one of the most liberating ventures I have ever gone on in my life.  So I chose to make it another day closer to being my healthiest self, mentally, spiritually and physically.  Of course I will have days that I want to throw in the towel but those seem to be less frequent than ever before.

So smile today because you are someone’s sunshine even if you don’t know them.  🙂