Tag Archives: chances

Sep25

Last day of my 30’s

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Happy Day!!

I am actually very excited to be 4o tomorrow.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions that last 30 days, on each day I made it a point to reflect on the last 39 years.  Life hasn’t always been filled with pleasant points, many parts of it was filled with trauma, loss, pain and loneliness but I wouldn’t change any of it.  I have been blessed with so much goodness and love even at the darkest of moments and I am exceptionally grateful for every last second of it.  I have lost so many wonderful people and many under the age of 40, so this birthday is truly a milestone for me.  I didn’t think I would make it this far, there were times I thought of suicide, even attempted it but the universe wasn’t not having that in any way.  The world still needed me to do more work here and I accepted that challenge.

The day I attempted suicide was while living in Texas and life was definitely not what I had envisioned for myself at that point of my life.  Clearly I was not in a place where I was emotionally, spiritually and mentally healthy.  I was living in a big, dark, scary and lonely place which was my own doing, which was my own self.  The last 13 years where crashing in on me and it was frightening.  I had not attempted to look inward and accept I needed to heal, to purge or feel any emotion.  I was numb and I thought it was a safe place.  I remember driving on the highway and feeling like life was choking me.  It was as if I couldn’t breath and I had been overcome with darkness.  I needed to just end this tornado that was in my head and heart.  I remember flooring the gas pedal and watching the speedometer as that wall was coming closer and closer.  I couldn’t get there fast enough.  I was doing 93mph and couldn’t have been more than 50 feet away from the way, than 40 feet than 30 feet than 20 feet and about 5 feet from the wall the car stopped.  It just stopped, shut off and stopped moving all in that split second.  WTF how can the car just stop, I was doing almost a hundred miles an hour.  How is it even possible?  I have no idea but in that moment all I could do was cry, scream, wail, and say “What the F&%K!!!???” over and over again.  It wasn’t possible that this was happening, there is no way a car just stops at that speed.  I was now angry at myself, I did I completely screw this up.  I sat in the car for at least an hour before I attempted to turn it back on and it wouldn’t.  I called my sister-in-law and told her the car had stalled and I need a jump.  She came right over with her friend and gave it a boost and we were on our way back home.  I never told her what happened or what I was attempting to do but if that wasn’t a sign then I don’t know what to tell you.  Those were definitely my angels saying that they were protecting me even from myself.  I spent the rest of that day just going through the motions but most of all I prayed and asked for forgiveness and guidance.  I’m so grateful it wasn’t my time to go that day.

So with that said I say, “Thank you universe for giving me another chance at this crazy roller coaster ride I call life and an upcoming 40th birthday!”

Smile and walk in gratitude today!! I know I will. 🙂

 

 

Jul25

I’ve caught the bug

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It’s been 4 weeks since I started this new venture. I’ve noticed that things have been changing and I’m so ok with that. It’s time to change things up. The big “40” is in 2 months and I’m looking forward to that. I know 40 is still young and yes that is very true but it’s a huge step in this journey. The 20’s were the young, naive, fall in your face and be stupid years. The 30’s become the finding years and well now that I have found out so much and rid of more “crap” than I even realized I had. I am super duper excited about the 40’s. My years of just loving self, loving life, change, new beginnings, new relationships but most of all truly finding comfort in me and all that means. Yes, these are the “Over the hill” years and I can say it wasn’t easy but well worth it. I’m finally over all the growing up, the shedding and the nonsense. As I enter this next phase of my life I get to embrace life with the new and improved me. The beautifully scarred and broken me that has been mended by tears, love, heart filled acceptance but most of all the comfort of ME! My learning now comes with the urgency to be more in all aspects of my life. The knowledge that yes I am a Goddess, I am a woman, I am Love, I am a Lover, I am a Mother & the list goes on and on!!! We all struggle in different ways and I look back and now say, “Take that!” If life was easy it wouldn’t be appreciated, wanted and treasured. As I continue to take my last steps of my 30’s I am so excited for the rest of my life. I didn’t come this far to stop now. So to all that looked forward to my fall, Thank you! You have no idea how much you contributed towards my motivation to live and always keep it moving forward where all you could see my was my ass! I do hope you enjoy the view! 😉

Keeping it fabulous!

Jul3

New start

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The call came in, not knowing what to expect I jump up and grab the phone. Her voice so excited that I answered. I took that leap of faith a month ago and fear had not yet crept into my heart or should I say mind. I knew when I did it there was nothing to fear. I knew all would be ok. I knew I was like a cat, 9 lives but for me no time like the present to take the jump, I might stumble but I always get back on my feet and keep it moving. So back to my phone call, ” hey why don’t you work with me? You would be fantastic.” I have waited for many years for it to come up but it just was never the right time. I wasn’t ready. So to familiarize you about my “jumping” tactics. Well they have always been quite interesting. After being left out to dry as they say, that fear of having to start over no longer existed in me. Material things are nice but when the most important ppl have been taken away from you nothing materialistic matters anymore. I like starting over, creating my own new beginnings, so what if you think I’m crazy at least I know “what if” is not on my mind. I have heard it all my life, “you’re so strong”, “I couldn’t do that!”, “aren’t you scared you will fail?” What is all comes down to is it’s you’re life and you have a choice. I have had my tough times, my dark times, my lonely times but at some point I always reached the point of enough. I can’t live my life being uncomfortable in a comfortable place. So with that said, “I’m off on my next adventure!! Yay! Let’s go!”