In this journey of regaining control of my weight, finding a healthy place in my life, loving myself for all its entirety and ending the self-destructive reign of self-abuse with food, I am learning to enjoy food and not hide behind gorging myself with food to numb the pain.  For so long food was my escape for life.  I was able to numb the pain with outlandish food binges, of course all of it was bad, crappy but oh so yummy foods, that could last days. I am so guilty of spending weekends locked in my apartment bingeing on cakes, cookies, burgers, chinese food, soda, chips and whatever else I could get my hands on.  I remember the times the supermarket run was for bad food only and I ate every last bite with pleasure than I would cry myself to sleep, or verbally degrade myself, or sleep for days on end, or it was time to go back into reality. So much had gone on from so early on in my life that I created my own little world that was safe as long as everyone was over there and I was with myself and my coping mechanisms.

I remember this cycle starting as far back as 5 years old when my than alcoholic father argued viciously with my mom when he was on one of his drinking binges.  I was always just a few feet behind watching my mom ingest the verbal abuse to protect my brother and I from becoming his target.  Once I was alone again I would sneak food and hide in my room or in the playroom in the basement to make it all go away.  Not that it ever did but I was convinced it worked.  As time had passed and the situation just worsened so did my binges to the point it just became a way of life.  Once my mom was diagnosed with advanced multiple sclerosis and wasn’t able to care for my brother and I it all went to hell in a hand basket.  I was 14, just starting high school and going to a school I literally only knew two people in the whole school, my next door neighbors.  So then a new cycle had begun and having already spent so many years feeling completely alone in a world filled with so many “loved ones” but it seemed I was pushed away for whatever reason they needed to give at that moment, or they didn’t have time to for someone else’s kid, or the knowledge that no I didn’t fit in like I would have liked.  I knew this so-called great time of my life, the awkward teenage years, was not going to get any easier anytime soon.  I just wanted my mom to get better so we could be home with her again.

Well back to my fluffy self finding a better way to live. So now that I have worked on all the inside stuff and continue to work on it as it is a never-ending process.  I am creating a new relationship with food and embracing what that means on a healthy level.  I had gained so much weight over the years and tried every diet under the sun but of course they didn’t work because the cause of the pain was denied until I crash and burned.  I am learning to look at the food as a way to sustain myself as I live and not a shovel to bury myself. I look in the mirror and now see a body that doesn’t match what I feel inside and its time to fix that.  No, I don’t want to be some photo shopped supermodel in a magazine, no I don’t want to be what others would consider the “ideal” weight for me, I will be the right weight once I am feeling healthy and comfortable in that size “?” when I get there.

So here’s to getting healthy and letting go of the excess baggage at the side of the road.

I will keep you posted.  Now off to a yummy lunch and a brisk walk.