Category Archives: Uncategorized

Sep18

Reflections

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It’s a new beautiful day and yesterdays struggle still lingers but I know in my heart she will always be with me.  It was one of those years that it just was tougher to get through the day, the feelings were just so fresh even though I lost her a little over 16 years ago.  I know some say it gets easier as time passes but I can say, “That’s BULLSHIT!”  One just learns to live without their physical presence but they are always in your heart and memories.  There will always be times when we just miss them so much that it brings us to tears or the emotions of losing them resurface in a tidal wave and it hurts tremendously.  There is no shame in that but some people will not accept that having those moments are okay and that is okay also.  We all have our own coping mechanisms not that it is always the healthiest way for us but it is what we chose at the time and with time those ideas may change.  I know this to be true because for such a long time I was numb by choice.  I just didn’t know how to be alive, I didn’t know how to enjoy the gift of life because I was feeling guilty of not being able to save her life and because I couldn’t fix it and that is my job as a mom.  For so very long I just functioned, went through the motions of being an adult but couldn’t bring myself back to life.  I didn’t know how.  I didn’t know how to ask for help or guidance or really ask for anything.  I had lost so much from such a young age that I didn’t want to have to go through losing anyone else that I pushed the world away but little did I know I was losing myself in the process.

Through the years food became by best friend and my worst enemy.  I truly experienced the love/hate love affair with food that many feel with another individual.  I ate to numb myself but yet I loved to feed people just as much as I loved to eat.  I loved taking care of people but didn’t want anyone that close that they would see me for this flawed, lonely, unlovable, broken woman that I was.  How could they understand that I am only human when I have been told I’m so strong for what I have been through and I keep going or that I’m so strong for not falling apart and still wanting more out of life.  I was crumbling in more ways than one in the inside and quickly.  The main reason I didn’t allow myself to throw my life completely away was I  knew my daughter wouldn’t want that, if she could face cancer with a smile on her face on 99.7% of her days dealing with that horrendous disease with all the pain from the disease itself or post surgeries.  She would never want to see me stop living because she didn’t make it and in my mind my half-assed way of living was sustaining me in the moment.  Before I knew it this was the only way I knew how to live, the only way I could be safe from any additional pain besides what was already happening in my life.  After Soli passed away I knew it wouldn’t be long before my mom would pass also.  My mom had been sick for so many years by then.  I knew she was struggling to stay with us but she was growing tired and weaker with each day, she was finally diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after many years of false conclusions.  This reality just made food even sexier than before.  At my heaviest I went up to an extra fluffy 314lbs.  I was one fluffy female and I didn’t want to see it because I refused to look at myself.  I never looked in a mirror below my shoulders but I can tell you this I walked with a confidence that fooled many but the closest ones to me knew otherwise.  My ex-husband Luis always made me feel beautiful but once I got back in my head I was fat, ugly and disgusting but I wasn’t in a place to fix that yet because I wasn’t ready to deal with all the pain and hurt I was holding onto.  I didn’t know at the time there was going to be plenty more to come before I finally crashed and burned.

So today I continue on my journey of getting healthy, making better food choices and embracing that this weight is a reflection of what I have been through but is no longer mine to hold onto.  Yes, there are times I want to sit down and have a whole package of cookies with a huge glass of milk(especially last night but I didn’t) but I’m accepting that I will only hurt myself more if I continue my life going down that road.  I have done so much in the last three years to heal and I continue this process everyday that I can’t go back to what no longer serves me.  Life is truly a gift I will not and cannot take advantage of that.

Happy day! Let’s make it a great one because we can no matter the obstacle, there is beauty in every situation even when it’s hard to see it.

Oh and don’t forget to smile, you never know who is watching and needs that smile to help them through the day! 🙂

 

 

 

 

Sep17

My Angel’s Birthday! <3

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My Angel’s Birthday! <3

HAPPY 19TH  BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL IN HEAVEN SOLI!

It has been 17 years since I was blessed to spend a birthday with you.  The circumstances weren’t ideal but I still had you with me.  I still remember that day as if it was just the other day.  You were on your first round of chemotherapy for Ewing Sarcoma and a bit cranky but excited because it was your birthday.

Your favorite RN Elena had brought you a big birthday breakfast and gifts.   She spoiled you so much but who didn’t.  You had charisma that no one could resist, of course this sounds bias because I’m your mom but I would love to just sit back and watch you just pull people in with your charm and amazing smile(I swear you were an old soul).  So back to your 2nd birthday so many years ago.  We were in “your room” 719 at Montefiore Medical Center in NYC and it was a beautiful morning much like today but warmer.  Elena had brought you scrambled eggs, chicken strips and French fries topped with plenty of ketchup(I know it wasn’t the ideal breakfast but I wasn’t going to argue since she wanted to eat.  The chemo was depleting her appetite more and more each day).  Your huge smile and infectious laugh when you saw her with your breakfast and gifts still rings in my ears today.  She laughed so hard when she heard you that Svetlana(Pediatric Day LPN) came running in to see what all the commotion was about.  Even she started to laugh when she realized what was going on.  She sang happy birthday to you along with the silly dance that she always did for you while she took your vitals and we laughed even more.  You opened up your gifts and gave Elena the biggest hug.  She held you so close and whispered that she wishes for you to have the best birthday ever.  It was the beginning of a birthday filled with laughs and plenty of birthday wishes for you.  I was so happy the day had started so well considering that it could turn at any point as the chemo kept pumping into your little body.  You had been responding well so far with no side effects but yet it was only day 3.  The phone calls starting coming in and you laughed at everyone who sang you happy birthday on the phone.  It was your day to be a birthday princess and you deserved it.  You were facing this challenge with a warriors stance and I didn’t know what else to do but be your rock and a loving mom.  When daddy called you streaked and laughed so hard that the ladies at the reception desk heard you and laughed. They all knew it was Sonia’s day.  The ladies were so wonderful with you at all times but made sure it was a special day for you.  Christine from the playroom stopped in and walked you over to the playroom to spend some time with 3 other children that were also receiving chemo and they all sang you happy birthday.  Who would have thought that such a stressful situation could still be such a wonderful birthday by 11 am.  I remember standing there with their moms and we all just knew how precious that moment was.  It is an understanding that only a parent who is going through the same pain understands.  No one wants to watch their child with an illness that can go either way and you have no control over the outcome.  Yes, we do our best to make the choices we need towards the best treatment and procedures but its heart wrenching  nonetheless.  When you just don’t know how much time you have with your child, will they go into remission, will they pass because of this horrible disease, how much will they suffer and through it all you can’t make it just go away.

Later that afternoon you had a full house of guests in a tiny hospital room.  In that small room you had at least 10 people in there at any given moment.  Then daddy showed up with your birthday cake and all the nurses and family sang happy birthday once again.  You smiled so much that day, the smile that would forever be etched in my mind.  You had more gifts than Toy R Us and put a smile on so many somber faces.  You always had a way of doing that.  You were ahead of your time my love.  May you dance in heaven with your daddy and laugh with your Grandmas.  I know they will all make sure its a grand event.  Until we meet again.

Happy Birthday my Angel!! You are the best thing that ever happened to me!  I am honored and grateful to be your mom!

Love you always!!

Sep16

Body Image

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So as I continue to work on this extra baggage called my ‘fluffiness” I am coming across interesting interpretations of my weight by men.  I know not all men view me in this light but I have found that recently this has been coming up more frequently so I’m just sorting through it.  It’s hard enough going through the psychological part of losing weight, the perplexity of your body changing and embracing the changes(even though some of them are not cool right now) and the desire to dip into those old habits because it’s what I know.

So back to these insults wrapped in make shift compliments.  I am single and dating(dating can be overrated at times) so this is where I am getting this from.  I met what I thought was a nice guy, the conversation would flow easily and plenty of laughs, I have a soft spot for a funny guy.  We exchange pictures and all is well until he has time to dissect the full body image I had sent. (Please keep in mind I have never denied I am a full-figured woman)

I get a text back from him and it goes like this; “are you pregnant?”  “did you lose weight?” “umm I’m not sure”.  My reply; “No I am not pregnant and yes I did lose some weight.  if you are not interested anymore from the pic that is fine with me.  Be well”  He replies, “I’m really into fitness.  You need to do something about your tummy, you would be really pretty if you did something about it, insurance will pay for it but good for you for losing weight.”

So, I can either completely have a crazy lady moment and go off on him and which end up in a total funk and want to cry and eat until I am sick or do as I did.  I didn’t reply to that insult, I laughed it off and was grateful for the sanity that I could keep in this moment.  There was no need for him to insult me and ignorance like that seems to be more common amongst the ones who continue to base everything on superficial, photo shopped ideas of beauty.  As I continue my journey of becoming the healthiest I have ever been I have noticed there are stages that we go through and our body goes through and at some points they do not match.  I know yes my body is not perfect and I will always be a work in progress and who am I to judge another’s body when their struggle is just that, theirs.

 

So for now I see this as a step for me and a loss for ignorance.  Now onto making this body a healthier one.

 

 

Sep11

Loving my outside

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In this journey of regaining control of my weight, finding a healthy place in my life, loving myself for all its entirety and ending the self-destructive reign of self-abuse with food, I am learning to enjoy food and not hide behind gorging myself with food to numb the pain.  For so long food was my escape for life.  I was able to numb the pain with outlandish food binges, of course all of it was bad, crappy but oh so yummy foods, that could last days. I am so guilty of spending weekends locked in my apartment bingeing on cakes, cookies, burgers, chinese food, soda, chips and whatever else I could get my hands on.  I remember the times the supermarket run was for bad food only and I ate every last bite with pleasure than I would cry myself to sleep, or verbally degrade myself, or sleep for days on end, or it was time to go back into reality. So much had gone on from so early on in my life that I created my own little world that was safe as long as everyone was over there and I was with myself and my coping mechanisms.

I remember this cycle starting as far back as 5 years old when my than alcoholic father argued viciously with my mom when he was on one of his drinking binges.  I was always just a few feet behind watching my mom ingest the verbal abuse to protect my brother and I from becoming his target.  Once I was alone again I would sneak food and hide in my room or in the playroom in the basement to make it all go away.  Not that it ever did but I was convinced it worked.  As time had passed and the situation just worsened so did my binges to the point it just became a way of life.  Once my mom was diagnosed with advanced multiple sclerosis and wasn’t able to care for my brother and I it all went to hell in a hand basket.  I was 14, just starting high school and going to a school I literally only knew two people in the whole school, my next door neighbors.  So then a new cycle had begun and having already spent so many years feeling completely alone in a world filled with so many “loved ones” but it seemed I was pushed away for whatever reason they needed to give at that moment, or they didn’t have time to for someone else’s kid, or the knowledge that no I didn’t fit in like I would have liked.  I knew this so-called great time of my life, the awkward teenage years, was not going to get any easier anytime soon.  I just wanted my mom to get better so we could be home with her again.

Well back to my fluffy self finding a better way to live. So now that I have worked on all the inside stuff and continue to work on it as it is a never-ending process.  I am creating a new relationship with food and embracing what that means on a healthy level.  I had gained so much weight over the years and tried every diet under the sun but of course they didn’t work because the cause of the pain was denied until I crash and burned.  I am learning to look at the food as a way to sustain myself as I live and not a shovel to bury myself. I look in the mirror and now see a body that doesn’t match what I feel inside and its time to fix that.  No, I don’t want to be some photo shopped supermodel in a magazine, no I don’t want to be what others would consider the “ideal” weight for me, I will be the right weight once I am feeling healthy and comfortable in that size “?” when I get there.

So here’s to getting healthy and letting go of the excess baggage at the side of the road.

I will keep you posted.  Now off to a yummy lunch and a brisk walk.

Sep10

Cleaning

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So as I approach my 4oth birthday I feel the need to clean out the stagnant in my life.  Whether it be people, things, excess body weight and my “old & dusty” ways of approaching life.  This agonizing feeling of dead and useless weight needs to be shed and forgotten.  This cleaning point has come with a harsh reality of life.  I keep looking around and I find so much that makes me and happy and know I need to work  from the inside to change what I can on the outside.  I love my friends but with all the shedding, analyzing and healing I have gone through in the last 3 years I find some people just do not serve me in a healthy way or in any way but negative.  Toxicity and complacency has seem to be the norm on how some of them affect my life and my energy or they relationship has changed so much that we no longer have anything to talk about or relate to.  Have you ever had that friend that would speak to you and when they ask a question about what they have just spoken to you about, you realize that they have had a whole conversation and you did not hear a word.  What do you do about these kind of relationships?  How do you even explain to yourself why you still have this person hanging around? How do you end this relationship that no longer serves you without offending the individual?  Now, having asked myself these important questions and searching for answers that bring me a lightened heart I continue on this journey of the next stage of the rest of my life.

I have found cleaning out the material things that need to find a new home and reorganizing has helped me focus more on the other aspects of my life and the new I need in my life and the new I want in my life.  As the decluttering continues I become more alive with each moment.  I have found that my spirit dances as my environment is finding its new order.  I am guilty of my own level of OCD’s but most of us do to some degree but with these shifts happening even more I see myself letting go of so many material items as I have gained a sense of inner peace and enlightenment.  So on to the cleaning out the closets, ridding the external weight of my environment but they best part of this whole journey has been shedding the pain, hurt, disappointment and emotions I held on to for far to long.  The beauty is now addressing this extra fluffy body and loving it into a healthy place.

I’ll keep you posted.

Jul25

I’ve caught the bug

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It’s been 4 weeks since I started this new venture. I’ve noticed that things have been changing and I’m so ok with that. It’s time to change things up. The big “40” is in 2 months and I’m looking forward to that. I know 40 is still young and yes that is very true but it’s a huge step in this journey. The 20’s were the young, naive, fall in your face and be stupid years. The 30’s become the finding years and well now that I have found out so much and rid of more “crap” than I even realized I had. I am super duper excited about the 40’s. My years of just loving self, loving life, change, new beginnings, new relationships but most of all truly finding comfort in me and all that means. Yes, these are the “Over the hill” years and I can say it wasn’t easy but well worth it. I’m finally over all the growing up, the shedding and the nonsense. As I enter this next phase of my life I get to embrace life with the new and improved me. The beautifully scarred and broken me that has been mended by tears, love, heart filled acceptance but most of all the comfort of ME! My learning now comes with the urgency to be more in all aspects of my life. The knowledge that yes I am a Goddess, I am a woman, I am Love, I am a Lover, I am a Mother & the list goes on and on!!! We all struggle in different ways and I look back and now say, “Take that!” If life was easy it wouldn’t be appreciated, wanted and treasured. As I continue to take my last steps of my 30’s I am so excited for the rest of my life. I didn’t come this far to stop now. So to all that looked forward to my fall, Thank you! You have no idea how much you contributed towards my motivation to live and always keep it moving forward where all you could see my was my ass! I do hope you enjoy the view! 😉

Keeping it fabulous!

Jul3

New start

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The call came in, not knowing what to expect I jump up and grab the phone. Her voice so excited that I answered. I took that leap of faith a month ago and fear had not yet crept into my heart or should I say mind. I knew when I did it there was nothing to fear. I knew all would be ok. I knew I was like a cat, 9 lives but for me no time like the present to take the jump, I might stumble but I always get back on my feet and keep it moving. So back to my phone call, ” hey why don’t you work with me? You would be fantastic.” I have waited for many years for it to come up but it just was never the right time. I wasn’t ready. So to familiarize you about my “jumping” tactics. Well they have always been quite interesting. After being left out to dry as they say, that fear of having to start over no longer existed in me. Material things are nice but when the most important ppl have been taken away from you nothing materialistic matters anymore. I like starting over, creating my own new beginnings, so what if you think I’m crazy at least I know “what if” is not on my mind. I have heard it all my life, “you’re so strong”, “I couldn’t do that!”, “aren’t you scared you will fail?” What is all comes down to is it’s you’re life and you have a choice. I have had my tough times, my dark times, my lonely times but at some point I always reached the point of enough. I can’t live my life being uncomfortable in a comfortable place. So with that said, “I’m off on my next adventure!! Yay! Let’s go!”

May21

Core love

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I start here with just the need to be stripped naked of all I know, of all I knew and the pain that comes with it. I stand here naked wanting to feel touched by love, real love, from the core love. I once felt it from my little girl but she watches from the heavens now. It’s almost 16 years that she is gone and I miss her as much as the day she took her last breath. My heart broke in a million pieces, it stopped working but I knew I had to go on because she would be watching. So I seek again a love that I once felt as now I have learned to love myself in that way and would like to share what I have learned.