Category Archives: Uncategorized

Jul30

My last moments with you

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As the darkness nears & the end creeps just around the bend…

I walk towards your walkway, inching closer to your front door for the very last time, each step becoming harder than the last I know I must smile for you
You wait patiently at your doorway unaware of what is stirring in my soul & my heart becomes heavier with each passing moment
As I walk towards the final hello’s and welcome back’s I can feel my heart slowly shredding a part at the seams
You standing there, handsome & granting me the smile that melts my heart

You completely unaware of the growing fatigue that has overcome me as I have been waiting on you to decide if we are or we are not
As I walk towards you for the last time, towards the last moments of laying in your embrace, I hold my breath for a brief moment and smile as my heart tears inside

Your lack of a decision was a decision in itself my love
You chose to not speak on the topic presented & this is what you have chosen
Your silence has deafened me to the point of retreat & defeat
Your fear of not being perfect or right has left us untangled & drifting down two distant rivers, opposite directions
Your lack of direction has left us moving separately towards new horizons

My pleas of seeking the truth, your truth, our truth continue to be ignored
My questions repeatedly dismissed so you may remain guarded & in control but you have lost all control
My desire to be close, to get to know you & listen to your truth created an uneasiness within you
My need to see us through your eyes was crumbled & discarded by your barbed wires and sky-high walls

Lying here one last time hurts more than you may conceive, the aching in my heart is indescribable
The intimacy has shifted but you whisper you miss me with scared & wounded eyes
The fire between us is extinguishing & you have chosen for it to be
I have tried to hold on to it, to you, to us but you do not see the arms that have been open to you since the moment our eyes met
The arms that want to hold you, the arms that want to keep you near & keep you safe even from yourself
The only words that echo in my ears,  your very defeating words were, “I fuck up everything, no matter what I touch, I will fuck this up too. Babe I am no good for you but please don’t leave.  I am not ready for you to go but I am not ready for us to change.”

Oh my love, if you only understood none of us are perfect we are all flawed, scarred and broken but in all mess is when the most beautiful, loving and nurturing loves are born

For this love I hold for you, I wish for you to love yourself and give yourself the chance to live and be loved in the ways you deserve.

Can we stay? or do I go and leave you with a piece of me to keep you warm at night as you lick your wounds and learn to love yourself as I love you?

Jul15

No expectations

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No expectations

I cannot love with restrictions nor expectations. I give you my love with wings and if you choose to fly my love, I will see you off with all the blessings in my heart, and if we may cross paths again I want to curl up in your arms and listen excitingly to all your adventures as the words dance off your tongue.

I cannot love with blinders nor restraints.  I give you my love with fluidity and grace so you may travel down the rivers and oceans and like the tides your heart will come back in to hear my song.  On those days that you need to be held and loved you will hear me whisper to you ever so softly on the gentlest breeze that will hold you in its rapture and remind you of my embrace.

I cannot love with hatred nor bitterness.  I give you my love in its entirety and you will feel it fill you in ways only you know yourself to be able to do. I give you my love because I know I will not be empty when you are full my love, I will be filled again by my own love for self.  I give you this love because I know you need the warm to fill you, the nourishment you need to continue, the security that love exists even from places you have turned your back on.

I cannot love with regrets nor uncertainty.  I give you my love so you may give it to another, I want to know that I was able to aide in the continuation of love that is needed in this cold, dark, chaotic world.  I give you my love because I can and I do not want anything in return.

You see my love, I love you more than words can express and I wish upon the stars that you will be able to love in this way too.

Jul15

Your lips against mine

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Just one last time can I feel you in my arms
Let me hold you in the most loving of ways
Before you go, can I see the corners of your lips reach your eyes
Just one last time can I see your smile

Just one last time can I feel your lips against mine
Your lips so soft, so warm and so inviting
Your lips commanding me to open and receive the heat and passion that is you
Your lips my weakness, your kiss my kryptonite, your breath so intoxicating
Just one last time can I touch your face oh so gently

Just one last time can I get lost in your eyes
Let me see your soul and wish it a farewell until our paths cross again
Let our love wish the other a safe journey 
For one last time, Can I be yours? Can I feel your lips against mine?

Just one last time...
Jun25

Always in my heart…

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Always in my heart…

My love in heaven,

It’s been 2 years that you’re gone now and I feel as if it was just the other day that I got the call from your little sister and brother.  I miss my soulmate, best friend, life partner and confidant.  As I reflect on the parts of your life I was so blessed to be a part of and the family we had together, I couldn’t help but sit here and want to believe there is a purpose behind this all coming to a close so early on in our lives. I spent your anniversary day without the distractions of the modern world, I just couldn’t be bothered with the nuisances of the phone, computer or TV.  I didn’t want to hear about people enjoying their day or laughing I just needed to be in quiet and at peace in my heart remembering the life we had with our daughter.  I listened to some old songs that you liked so much and I had to laugh because I could clearly see you doing your silly dance moves.   I could picture you so clearly, as if you were in my living room with me.  Your laugh echoed in my ears as I envisioned your smile and wished to hear you just one more time.  I know you are in a better place with our daughter and neither one of you are in pain anymore which makes it easier for me to deal with the day-to-day chaos of this world.   You see my beloved, you were the only man who has known me for me, behind the smile, behind the day-to-day masks, behind my OCD’s and all the silliness I use to help make each day a bit brighter and easier.  You were the one who would call me on my shit and even though it would tick me off I knew it was coming from a place of true love.  You did always enjoy calling me your, “Pain in the ass”, than laugh until I broke into a smile.  You left so soon, so young, so loved by many but most of all you left because you couldn’t live in that pain anymore and our angel guided you home.  I still remember our conversations about us getting old together and our partners having to deal with us being the best of friends until our dying day.  Well it seems they will not have to worry about that but you will always have a place in my heart and no one can ever change that.  You have marked your space there along side our daughter.

So I say, “Thank you for loving me, Thank you for being my soulmate, Thank you for being a wonderful father to our daughter but most of all Thank you for seeing me for me.”  I will always love you!  Kisses to you in heaven!

Jun3

She is reaching out for me

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She is reaching out for me

Some days are just that, you cannot seem to find yourself because someone else is needing you.  I woke up missing myself and feeling a void that is unexplained.  The need to cry and let out tears that are not mine, the need to scream and let the world hear my words that come from another’s lips choke me, the need to be held and told it will go away consumes my being.  I wish I understood who needed me the most today, who is crying and needing to be held, I feel their pain so deeply.  I feel the little girl crying for help as she reaches out her hand to me but will not let me see her face. The pain is rocking the very core of me and it is dark, it is heavy and it is unshakable.

I wish I knew who was hurting so bad.  I think the hardest part of being an empath is feeling the desperation of another and not being able to do something to help them in these times. 

 How do we comfort what we do not know? How do you help what we can not see? I pray for you little one, I do not know your age but I do know a little girl hurts. I do know we all have buried so much pain within ourselves and there are moments it creeps back up and becomes paralyzing. We kind behind smiles and what is acceptable but hurt ourselves more by continuing such behavior. It’s time we feel that pain right out of ourselves, let it have its moments and send it off with love. Look and in the mirror and tell yourself, “I love you and I want to heal you.”  

Jun2

Miss you

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Miss you

I miss you, I miss your face, I miss the way you looked at me with adoring eyes

I miss the way you caused me to have butterflies in my belly every time you were close

I miss the way you would caress my cheek so gently before you kissed me

I miss the way it felt to be in your arms

I miss the way you held my breast when you drove

Do you miss me because I miss you

I miss us

I miss the laughs

I miss the hugs

I miss the way my body ached for you

I miss the way we wanted to be but only had stolen moments

I miss listening to your heartbeat after making love

I miss your eyes, the way they used to look at me

Could you ever look at me again that way?

Could you ever miss me the way I miss you?

Could you love me the way I loved you?

I miss hearing your voice

I miss being the one you thought of every morning and every night

I miss you more than you will ever know

I miss you!

 

Jun1

 She yearns for more

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 She yearns for more

Her body trembled from the thoughts of his energy flooding her space, his smile melting her heart & his lips lightly grazing against the nape of her neck. She wanted to touch him, to say his name, oh how she ached for him. Her body screams in silence. His eyes are fierce, intrusive but oh so safe. The fever that overcomes each time she thinks of him drives her to the edge of ecstasy. He will never know how she slowly comes to her cliff that is him, the moment she could taste him in the air she jumps. His name in her heart, his taste on her tongue & his voice whispering to her heart. “No more please no more” she pleads but she means none of it. Her thirst cannot be quenched so easily. She needs more, she craves more, she aches for more. More of him, oh his sweet smell lingers all around her, she knows he is near but yet he is unattainable. He wants her but fears her. He has not craved the intensity she brings to his being. She doesn’t know he looks for excuses to stay away, she only knows that he holds back. He tries not to allow himself to crave her wild woman ways, oh her sex is his deepest desire, his deepest need, she smells of uncertainty, she smells unworldly but he ponders how that may be. How can a woman be all the things he needs & desires? How can she be real? What is wrong with her? If she only knew how she has become his enigma. If she only knew his hesitation is due to her eloquent, animalistic, nurturing, loving ways & her lack of sexual inhibitions. She pushes him just enough to keep him wondering but not enough to have him run away.  She is longing for him, needing his touch, desiring those piercing eyes that strip her of all she knows and leaves her naked and alive. The vulnerability that has come from this is exquisite blissful freedom. She is free. She is the wild woman she has suppressed for so long. “Go be free my precious” is the whisper she hears from the rapture of his breath. “Let go my love & I will not let you fall,” the whisper continues. Neither one has accepted that their souls are back home. They have been lost for so long, going from one lover to another. He showed up with a familiarity that brought her fear & comfort. Her world flipped in a way that she remains bewildered. She contemplated why wasn’t this like every other encounter. They do not know where this will end but she knows it will come to a peak that will change the game. He disappears so much that it is unnerving and confusing, what should she think? Are there others? Is there another life she should know about? He doesn’t know her at all, he never asks anything of her or about her. Is this all in her head or is there something here?

Apr27

Happy Birthday Luis!

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Happy 39th Birthday in Heaven Luis!!

I still can’t believe that you are gone. Today is your 39th birthday and you are with our daughter in heaven dancing around, laughing, plotting on playing practical jokes on your favorite people down here on this chaotic planet. I know Madison is missing you like crazy especially on days like today. You were each others world when you were still with us and I pray for her every day. I know you watch over her and visit her often. I can’t imagine how hard it is for her without you. She became your little helper and would fight you tooth and nail when you didn’t listen. (Your girls are warriors) She is definitely your child just like Soli she was born to shine like a bright star in the sky. Will is an amazing dad and strong minded man. I know in my heart he wanted to be a great dad like you and he is doing an amazing job at it. Jackie is kicking ass as a mom and staying strong like a true Goddess. Dianna is doing her best and her girls are doing great, little Emma is just a ball of cuteness and love.

So I want to say, “Thank you for sending me your smile through another.” (I find him absolutely delicious ;-)) My heart stopped when I saw it and thought, “Damn you Luis, this was all you!” I swear I heard your laugh in that moment. I know it was you, Soli and mom who picked him out for me. So far he has been able to handle me and not go running in the opposite direction but then again I’m amazing why would he. HAHAHAHA We will see how far it goes but you all were determined to see me with a family and well I can say I do love his kids even though I haven’t met them yet. Thank you again for making sure that I wasn’t alone anymore even though I am a bit scared but not enough to run for the hills. I am trying my best and I hope to make you all proud.

P.S. I wish I could just see that smile again one more time or hear you call me your PIA. I am so grateful and honored that I was chosen to be your soul mate and that I was chosen to be the mother of one of your beautiful daughters.

Love to you on your birthday Luis!!

From your favorite PIA!!!

Sep23

Feed me!

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So today marks one year that I stopped smoking.  I think back to this day and how I had a life scare.  I had taken antibiotics for a horrible sinus infection and went into anaphylactic shock shortly after taking them.  I truly felt like I was going to die.  I’m not even sure where I had the strength to even make it across the apartment to get to my phone mind you call 911.  I was losing control of all my bodily functions, in and out of consciousness and my body felt like it was contouring in ways that felt foreign.  The worst & funny part was I was in just a tank top and panties, that I literally pissed in when I passed out, and the hottest EMT walks in my apartment to save me.  Now some might not think that was a bad situation but when you are barely conscious, pissed on and looking all out of whack that is so not cool.  I had to just laugh at myself because in total there were 3 beautiful men(I had not had a man over in a long while before this incident, that is not the way I wanted a handsome man to show up at my door) and 1 beautiful lady taking care of my hot mess self.  No one ever wants to be in a situation like that.  I have worked in the medical field for many years, I so know the stories that are created from moments like that experience.  My vitals were not good at all and they had to put me on oxygen right away and put a heart monitor on because my heart rate had dropped to 38bpm, that is way to low for an average adult in their 30’s.  They put in an IV line, started pushing fluids and rushed me over to Albert Einstein Medical Center.  So after being poked and probed at the hospital for 14 hours and had the staff laughing I was finally released with a clean bill of health.  I know that I didn’t end up in the hospital because of smoking but I just felt it was a habit I needed to let go of, I never want to have to call 911 again especially for a health scare.  I sat there contemplating the things that could have gone wrong and what if I had had a heart attack or stroke.  It felt right to let the habit go and it was easier than I thought it would have been but I do contribute that to literally fearing for my life.  I can say I am at the point that cigarette smoke bothers me and the smell makes me queasy.  It has been one of the best things I have done.  The only down fall was I did gain some weight after I let go of that habit.  Which did not make me happy at all but I will take the good with the bad because now this weight will also be left at the side of the road.

On that note, today as I was having my lunch and it was the hardest thing to get down (I don’t think I could ever be vegan).  All I’m craving is a juicy burger with crumbled bleu cheese, sautéed onions and mushrooms.  I do have my “cheap day” but today my body is craving some naughty food.  The day has been a good one so I know the craving is not me having an emotional food craving(those can be the worst) just my body talking to me and its need for certain vitamins and nutrients.  The dinner plan with have to be switched up but I am proud of myself for not diverting from my meal plan and honoring myself and this process.  I will let you know how that goes.  I’m sure it will be playtime in the kitchen, one of my favorite things to do.

So please don’t forget to smile and to be grateful for another day!

Sep22

Adjusting to the change

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Adjusting to the change

Good morning SUNSHINE!!

This weekend was fantastic but did include a few bummer moments within myself.  I was able to spend time with some very dear friends this weekend and just let loose, we laughed until we were sober, we had ah-hah moments, we learned so much of ourselves as women and it all felt like we were back in our teenage years in high school being carefree and truly living in the moments.  On Saturday the ladies and I spent hours filled with laugher while playing Bocce ball, sipping wine from Styrofoam coffee cups, don’t judge they had lids.  LOL  We took silly pictures like giggly teenage girls and couldn’t stop laughing at ourselves and the shenanigans that were going on.  We danced around like innocent young girls running in a field with no cares in the world.  It was so great to hear ourselves after many year have passed how we remembered the words of songs we danced to years ago and the hysterical stories that are attached to these songs.  We may have cried then but when you have the pleasure of reaching an age where you can just laugh at yourself and its simplicity, it truly is priceless. Then we started viewing the pictures and I was not happy with what I saw.  I have been working hard at shedding this weight and I felt I looked bigger now than I did before I committed to becoming healthy and that was a complete bummer.  I know the number on the scale has gone down and I know I have lost inches around different areas of my body but what I saw was completely different.  I know it is a process and the mental aspect of any change in life takes time and understanding.  What we would like to see isn’t always the process your body will reveal when you want it but I just couldn’t get past looking like I was pregnant in some photos or just a bit wider than 3 months ago before I started this change.  Yes, I realize it is soon to expect much of a change but I sure didn’t want to look bigger.  I didn’t let that ruin the day but I can say I wasn’t happy with the results and I was even more cautious of what I was eating and of what I was drinking.  My dear friend noticed I wasn’t happy with the pictures where my belly seemed bigger to me even though she reassured me I looked great and she could see the difference.  This is a struggle I know will take time to resolve.

On Sunday, I went to the Grounds for Sculpture in New Jersey.  It was absolutely breath taking and if you love to be in nature with secret garden passage ways complimented by beautiful sculptures this is a great place to go.  My inner photographer was in her glory and gaining another day in nature, before the cool of fall sets, with friends who have become family is a plus.  The artistry and the perplex minds that create these wonders are extraordinary.  My favorite part was finding this hidden walkways that would twist and turn to reveal sculptures that would just intrigue you and keep you wanting more.  It almost felt nostalgic at some points.  I couldn’t get enough pictures of all the wonder that kept revealing itself.  Some of the true artistry was nature’s own work.  I would not call myself a photographer but a lover of beauty in its truest and rarest forms.  I once again was unhappy with photos that others were taking of me and the way my body seemed to defy the work that I have put into her the last few months.  I cannot get past how my belly looks so much bigger than before and trust me when I say there is no way I could be pregnant.  The visual struggle seems to be the biggest struggle of it all.  The learning to have a healthy relationship with food and selecting healthier foods without feeling deprived even when I am out and want all those naughty fried or sugary foods is easier to transition away from.  The hardest part of this whole lifestyle change is the reflection in the mirror, not liking what I see but knowing the results I expect take time and my body is going through just as many  physical changes as I am mentally.

Do I love myself enough to not let this be a set back? Absolutely and I know these are the biggest challenges.  I know this is cliché but here it goes anyway, “Anything in life worth having is worth working for.” My health is definitely worth working towards and it will remain on the top of my list of what is important in my life.  I started my journey towards mental and spiritual health 3 years ago and I have finally incorporated my physical health, I can say thus far this has been one of the most liberating ventures I have ever gone on in my life.  So I chose to make it another day closer to being my healthiest self, mentally, spiritually and physically.  Of course I will have days that I want to throw in the towel but those seem to be less frequent than ever before.

So smile today because you are someone’s sunshine even if you don’t know them.  🙂