I remember the gentle touch of your hands holding my face as you looked deeply into my eyes. Your eyes always so warm and nurturing, they felt like home even when I didn’t understand that feeling. They were a safe place, no harm would be brought to me in your loving eyes. You had a way of whispering the sweetest words of love and encouragement but I was so wounded to appreciate or accept them. I couldn’t see nor understand what you saw in me, I wouldn’t see it until years later after we had moved on in our lives but yet always in arms reach of the other. I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror through your eyes and see the woman who had found a place in your heart, she was was broken and fragile and you knew it. Yet you remained by my side for as long as you could, as my friend, as my family, but most of all as my mirror.
I remember the way you would play with my hair until I fell asleep next to you, my breath being the lullaby that rocked you to sleep every night. You always waited for me to fall asleep first so you could watch me for a bit, those were my most vulnerable moments, all my guards were down and I knew I was safe with you by my side. You would tell me I looked like an warrior goddess that finally was able to rest.
I remember your way of being fully present at the exact moments I needed it the most, it was one of the qualities I will never forget. I was always protected and loved by you but never held back from all I wanted, from my purpose, or from my practices. You never stopped me from my hearts desires but pushed me to reach for all I aspired to do. You understood who I am and why I am here before I even knew.
I remember the last time you held me and told me I was the reason you keep pushing forward even in our separate lives, you were hurting physically, your illness taking over but your heart staying in control. You let me see into your eyes in ways you let no other. I saw the pain and exhaustion you let no other know of. You were the one they all turned to and this time around I was your rock, your strength, your safe arms to fall into. You told me so many details you spared all the others from especially your daughter. She is too young to have to deal with those details, watching her father hurt and become weak were more than any little girl should endure. You did your best at staying strong for the rest of them and regularly reminded me that it was a lesson learned from me many years ago. Who would have known that my survival skills and stubbornness would help you in these times. I wish you didn’t have to go through such difficult times, wasn’t our experience together enough, wasn’t that lose enough for both of us in this lifetime. Yet you didn’t complain about the illness but just the dark side of the less of your ability to be a dad to your daughter, to be the rescuing big brother, the adoring partner and helpful son.
I remember every day that I am one of the luckiest woman because I was loved in a way you read in fairy tales. I had the blessing of feeling completely safe even in our darkest times because you wouldn’t let me down. You always tried your best and I thank you for that.
I will always remember I am blessed to have known you. I will always remember that I am blessed to have had a mirror in my life that held me safe even in my darkest hours. I will always remember that we were one of the best things that happened in my life.
I long for your embrace once again. I love you my friend.
lihsett 