Category Archives: Life

Jun1

Confused Love

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Confused Love

I never planned on loving you, I never planned on knowing more than that brief moment we shared months ago.  You had no plan on loving me either and now this man I saw so strong and sure of himself is confused, retracted back in his shell trying to sort through the emotions he wanted to never feel again. Here this beautiful, fragile and loving man crouches in the corner, hoping that I do not see the love and fear in his eyes but you see my love all I want to do is hold you and let you know that you are safe.  I am not here to hurt you, judge you, point out your flaws because my love I am a perfectly imperfect woman with all kinds of scars that have so many stories to tell.  I want to hold you because I know that in our silence so much is being said, so many worries fall away, so many boundaries are broken but most of all it feels like home.  You have no idea how I was the one looking for the solid foundation to stand on when it came to my emotions for you.  You have no idea how I flip-flopped on a daily basis to walk away and leave you alone or stay and be around someone who knew how to make me feel safe with just his presence.  You stirred up so many emotions ranging from good, bad, old and new within me and I thank you for that.  You have allowed me to be completely vulnerable and open without judging me. I know I can be shut off at times but it’s a defense that I have created over time but you some how were able to chip away at those walls, you let me feel more comfortable in my feminine and always feeling beautiful and sexy at the same time but yet you weren’t willing to work on your own walls. You seem to struggle with the idea that I would see all your cracks and scarred pieces.  The funny thing about that is you let me into your soul so long ago and I saw all of those cracks and scarred pieces and when I saw them all I saw a beautiful soul with a guarded human housing him. I saw a soul that was familiar and he welcomed me in so far deep into his realm that it was hard to come back to self.  I was never afraid of those beautiful trips you would take me on, letting me gaze into those dark and lonely corners through your piercing eyes. Oh your eyes are erotically mesmerizing to me, so deep, so open and yet only wiling to let most see the shallow end of them.  I want to kiss each and every inch of your darkness with my lips filled with love and light, fill it with my warm breath and pour my light that overflows from my being to help you maneuver through your rivers.  I want you to know that I am not here to tell you how to do things, when to do them or where, I am here to love you and be the one to stand by your side, reminding you that you aren’t alone in this crazy world.  That what I ask for is the same that I will give and that is love. Love to reach all your spaces and cracks, love that will push your light right through those cracks and make you shine, help you blind the world with your light, show you that you are a beautiful man who deserves to be loved because you are flawed and you still have a beating heart that wants so much more than to just sustain you.  We may not be the “forever after” that is spoken about in fairy tales but we are definitely the ones to heal the other with our hearts, with are chatty silence, with our dancing souls that could burn a building down with its intensity.  So my words to you are, “I love you and I will never be sorry for that my beautiful scarred man. I thank you for showing me how beautiful I am through your eyes and showing me how to love again after being guarded for so long.”

xoxo

Apr27

Happy Birthday Luis!

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Happy 39th Birthday in Heaven Luis!!

I still can’t believe that you are gone. Today is your 39th birthday and you are with our daughter in heaven dancing around, laughing, plotting on playing practical jokes on your favorite people down here on this chaotic planet. I know Madison is missing you like crazy especially on days like today. You were each others world when you were still with us and I pray for her every day. I know you watch over her and visit her often. I can’t imagine how hard it is for her without you. She became your little helper and would fight you tooth and nail when you didn’t listen. (Your girls are warriors) She is definitely your child just like Soli she was born to shine like a bright star in the sky. Will is an amazing dad and strong minded man. I know in my heart he wanted to be a great dad like you and he is doing an amazing job at it. Jackie is kicking ass as a mom and staying strong like a true Goddess. Dianna is doing her best and her girls are doing great, little Emma is just a ball of cuteness and love.

So I want to say, “Thank you for sending me your smile through another.” (I find him absolutely delicious ;-)) My heart stopped when I saw it and thought, “Damn you Luis, this was all you!” I swear I heard your laugh in that moment. I know it was you, Soli and mom who picked him out for me. So far he has been able to handle me and not go running in the opposite direction but then again I’m amazing why would he. HAHAHAHA We will see how far it goes but you all were determined to see me with a family and well I can say I do love his kids even though I haven’t met them yet. Thank you again for making sure that I wasn’t alone anymore even though I am a bit scared but not enough to run for the hills. I am trying my best and I hope to make you all proud.

P.S. I wish I could just see that smile again one more time or hear you call me your PIA. I am so grateful and honored that I was chosen to be your soul mate and that I was chosen to be the mother of one of your beautiful daughters.

Love to you on your birthday Luis!!

From your favorite PIA!!!

Oct3

Feeling a certain kind of way…

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SMILE!!!

Today I can say I’m feeling like, “Lizzie Got her Groove Back!”  It feels absolutely delicious.  It has been a while since I felt my sultry self stand tall and present first thing in the morning.  It is definitely an invigorating feeling to have all of your loveliness just shout from every each of your being and tell the world, “The Goddess has awoken and she is out to play.”  No, I am not being conceited but I am definitely feeling flirtatious, adventurous and playful.  There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and feeling confident in who you are, or how far you have come and or to love the person you see in the mirror.  To have the ability to look in the mirror and truthfully embrace all that you are, every flaw, every wrinkle, every gray hair, every laugh line and every other imperfection and know that you are bewitching.  There is something extremely alluring about someone who is confident, loves themselves for who they truly are in all of their essence.  Yes to me that is positively the most magnetic person that one can be.  When we embrace all of ourselves for our truth and walk in that truth it makes you feel complete and at home.

After many years of living in my own black hole I reached a point I knew it was time to heal and let all this “old stuff” go.  I had gotten in my own way and I needed to know what it is to be alive.  I started out on the journey of self and let me say it became grotesque at the sight of all that was surfacing.  It felt like I was creating this towering wall of everything I had never dealt with and it was frightening, intimidating and overwhelming.  When one has to bring up all that muck made up of old pain, anger, hurt, rejection and the memories of events that brought you to those emotions it becomes one of the hardest things to go through.  I had many days I just wanted to retreat and say, “Screw it all, it’s easier to stay in my black hole” but I knew that I couldn’t live in that abyss anymore.  It wasn’t safe, warm or comfortable and that wasn’t how anyone should live not that I can call it living but I was still breathing.  I remember the first women’s retreat I went on, it was a weekend event and I was terrified.  Even buying the tickets were a challenge but the universe will test you to see if you are truly ready for your next step.  I didn’t want to feel judged, alone or frowned upon but most of all I didn’t want anyone to see  me “naked” and the inner turmoil I was living in.  I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable or to look at myself in the mirror.  I knew I had to be strong and put on my game face or so I thought.  Well that went to shit in a hand basket within 30 minutes of being in that sacred space.  One of my dearest and oldest friends was sitting right across from me, she gave me her a loving smile and her wink and the tears started streaming down my face. I had never been in such an environment with so many beautiful women from all walks a life.  When you are so broken and tired of being so called strong everyone comes across as being what you strive to be and for me that was being able to be present in my life.  I felt like a scared little girl just needing her mothers arms to keep her safe but that was not going to happen but I was definitely held by a room filled with women who also needed the love and support I was craving.  It is amazing how easy it is to hold another but so fearful to hold yourself, or so I believed at that point.  It was one of the hardest things I had pushed myself to do.  This choice was all about me and I hadn’t done a healthy thing for myself in numerous years, who knew that was going to be one of the greatest and most loving decisions I would make for myself.  I cried so many tears that weekend and committed myself to myself in front of 30 other women.  If you want to talk pressure that is the way to do it, we were all going to hold the other accountable for standing by their word to self.  It was one of the most liberating moments of my life all at the same time.  Those words that poured out of me started out with a meek trembling voice and soon were full-mouthed and commanding.  I was releasing what no longer served me and I was going to stand by that.  Enough was enough!!!  I remember turning around  from the alter where I placed my white candle and offered my words.  As I looked up to find my way back to my seat and tears were running down my face I was embraced by true love radiating from women who did not know me but felt me and supported me.  It felt as if I was in my mothers arms being held securely and that was the moment I knew this wasn’t going to get easier but I wasn’t alone so I couldn’t stop now.  I was safe.  It was the start of the rest of my life I just hadn’t known it yet.  Who would have thought that years later I could look back and want to shout my story out to the world?  Who would have thought I needed to be naked and love every moment of it?

Here is to living naked!!!

Smile, and share the sunshine!! 🙂

Oct2

So far so good…

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Happy Thursday!!

 

This whole dating thing can be a bit overwhelming and discouraging at times but I have actually met someone who has been fun and considerate thus far, I will stay optimistic.  I knew there were still good men out there because there a good women who will appreciate them as much as they will her.  I hear ladies speak of how there are no good men, that for sure is not the truth.  There are the good ones and then there are the “other” ones.  We have all had our ups and downs in relationships and some of us come out more scarred than others or we bring along the remnants of an old relationship into a new one(we need to leave all that crap behind), and sometimes we are distressed and empty so, we do not allow ourselves to heal before we end up in another relationship.  There are numerous other reasons why someone continues to hold onto the past hurt, anger and other emotions which causes only for ourselves to suffer longer and hurt others whether intentional or not.  I know personally I experienced an emotional roller coaster at the end of my last relationship, I loved him dearly and it broke my heart when it came to an end.  I am grateful for taking time for me to grieve, to heal and to love me again for who I have become, even though some felt it was too long.  Some felt I just needed to sleep with someone or someones and that would help but I knew in my heart that was not the case.  I didn’t want to deal with someone else’s energies or nonsense when I knew my stuff was in disarray and needed some good old fashion TLC.  After my marriage had fallen apart and I realized that my once husband was my best friend and would only ever be that.  I went and I did my thing and enjoyed the single life in a very carefree way.  I partied, I dated and all the other good stuff in between.  I knew at this stage of my life that was not the way for me to go again.  The idea of someone heavy breathing on me, sweat dripping off of them and then the possibility of a cuddle after made me queasy.  All I wanted was to be with myself and my stuff.

So back to this guy who has been adding a pep to my step these last few days.  It’s been refreshing and I feel like a schoolgirl with a new cute guy in school.  The playfulness that comes with someone who you do not mind around is a huge deal especially as we get older.  I have no time or energy to waste on people or things that drag me down and/or want to hold me back.   The rush of a new adventure with someone who can make you laugh and smile just with the smallest of gestures or being able to respond to my wit so quickly.  It makes it fun conversation and plenty of belly laughs.  I’m not saying this guy is the “one” but it is nice to have some fun with someone who lets you be yourself with no pressure and vice versa.  It also is great when someone looks at you with a flirtatious smile and says sweet nothings not like the fool who passed me a condom across the table like a drug deal and then would not  understand why I said, “No Thanks”.  We had only just met and were half way through our drink when he did his “smooth” move.  Of course as he did it all I could say was, “What are you doing passing me a bag of weed or something?”  This guy was a 47 year old teacher with a way with words but in person failed tremendously.  Even if I was a prostitute that move wouldn’t have been appropriate. Some people are just delusional.

I will continue to get to know my new friend and we will see where this will lead and if nothing else I was able to meet a nice guy who appreciated a good laugh and some fun times.

So as always my friends lets give our golden smile away and spread the sunshine!! 🙂

 

 

 

 

Sep30

Fabulously 40!

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HI!!

So turning 40 has been thus far the best birthday I have had in many years.  I have never been one to make a fuss over my birthday and I get embarrassed when people fuss over me.  This year I put an end to that, I embraced the love I received from friends that have become family.  I also realized that with this change of attitude towards my birthday when someone didn’t show up they were not meant to be there.  Life has a way of having the ones that need to be present to arrive with open arms and I received them with such gratitude & love.  It started with having a first date with the sweetest guy on my birthday eve and he made sure he was the first to wish me happy birthday in person, he is a great kisser.  I haven’t had someone just hold me in their arms and wish me happy birthday since I was married in my 20’s.  I hadn’t realized how much I had missed that 1st birthday kiss and hug.

When I reflected on that moment later that morning, I remembered how my ex-husband Luis would always wake me at midnight on my birthday and give me the biggest kiss and hold me in his arms until I feel asleep again.  He was a loving and tender man and dealt with my stubbornness like a champ.  He would always call me his PIA(pain in the ass) than laugh it off and say he wouldn’t have it any other way.  We started out life together young and grew up very quickly together, he was 18 and I was 19.  When our daughter was born I thought to myself, “how did we end up here so quickly” but I fell into the role as mom the moment I saw her beautiful face.  I had sent Luis off that morning to work telling him I was fine just a bit uncomfortable because of the weather and I wasn’t due for another 9 days.  Well 15 minutes after he left the contractions kicked in and there was no way to reach him since he was on the subway.  My brother was staying with us so I woke him up told him, ” let’s go I’m in labor”.  He jumped out of bed and off we went to the hospital.  By the time I had arrived to the hospital and given birth Luis had just arrived to work.  My brother ran out the room once he kissed his niece and told her he loved her to call Luis.  When he arrived to the hospital he came running into the room, kissed my forehead and was off to see our daughter in the nursery.  I was in more pain post delivery than when I was in labor.  We didn’t know what we were having, we wanted to look forward to our blessing with faith that the baby would just be perfect.  We didn’t care either way just a healthy baby.  It was one of the best days of my life, she was due on my birthday but she decided that she wanted to be here to sing or should I say coo, “happy birthday” to her mommy.  I remember looking at him adoringly as he held her with such care and kissing her fingers and toes over and over again.

The moments that will always bring a happy tear to your eye and in my heart I knew Luis was the one who sent me that sweet man to wish me happy birthday as gently as he would.  He was a great man and loved me in a way I had never known, I miss my best friend dearly but I know he watches over me with his daughter by his side in heaven.  So I embrace the twists and turns my forties will bring me and know that this ride will only get better with time.  Smile because those are the little things in life which brings beauty to another.

 

Sep25

Last day of my 30’s

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Happy Day!!

I am actually very excited to be 4o tomorrow.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions that last 30 days, on each day I made it a point to reflect on the last 39 years.  Life hasn’t always been filled with pleasant points, many parts of it was filled with trauma, loss, pain and loneliness but I wouldn’t change any of it.  I have been blessed with so much goodness and love even at the darkest of moments and I am exceptionally grateful for every last second of it.  I have lost so many wonderful people and many under the age of 40, so this birthday is truly a milestone for me.  I didn’t think I would make it this far, there were times I thought of suicide, even attempted it but the universe wasn’t not having that in any way.  The world still needed me to do more work here and I accepted that challenge.

The day I attempted suicide was while living in Texas and life was definitely not what I had envisioned for myself at that point of my life.  Clearly I was not in a place where I was emotionally, spiritually and mentally healthy.  I was living in a big, dark, scary and lonely place which was my own doing, which was my own self.  The last 13 years where crashing in on me and it was frightening.  I had not attempted to look inward and accept I needed to heal, to purge or feel any emotion.  I was numb and I thought it was a safe place.  I remember driving on the highway and feeling like life was choking me.  It was as if I couldn’t breath and I had been overcome with darkness.  I needed to just end this tornado that was in my head and heart.  I remember flooring the gas pedal and watching the speedometer as that wall was coming closer and closer.  I couldn’t get there fast enough.  I was doing 93mph and couldn’t have been more than 50 feet away from the way, than 40 feet than 30 feet than 20 feet and about 5 feet from the wall the car stopped.  It just stopped, shut off and stopped moving all in that split second.  WTF how can the car just stop, I was doing almost a hundred miles an hour.  How is it even possible?  I have no idea but in that moment all I could do was cry, scream, wail, and say “What the F&%K!!!???” over and over again.  It wasn’t possible that this was happening, there is no way a car just stops at that speed.  I was now angry at myself, I did I completely screw this up.  I sat in the car for at least an hour before I attempted to turn it back on and it wouldn’t.  I called my sister-in-law and told her the car had stalled and I need a jump.  She came right over with her friend and gave it a boost and we were on our way back home.  I never told her what happened or what I was attempting to do but if that wasn’t a sign then I don’t know what to tell you.  Those were definitely my angels saying that they were protecting me even from myself.  I spent the rest of that day just going through the motions but most of all I prayed and asked for forgiveness and guidance.  I’m so grateful it wasn’t my time to go that day.

So with that said I say, “Thank you universe for giving me another chance at this crazy roller coaster ride I call life and an upcoming 40th birthday!”

Smile and walk in gratitude today!! I know I will. 🙂

 

 

Jul25

I’ve caught the bug

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It’s been 4 weeks since I started this new venture. I’ve noticed that things have been changing and I’m so ok with that. It’s time to change things up. The big “40” is in 2 months and I’m looking forward to that. I know 40 is still young and yes that is very true but it’s a huge step in this journey. The 20’s were the young, naive, fall in your face and be stupid years. The 30’s become the finding years and well now that I have found out so much and rid of more “crap” than I even realized I had. I am super duper excited about the 40’s. My years of just loving self, loving life, change, new beginnings, new relationships but most of all truly finding comfort in me and all that means. Yes, these are the “Over the hill” years and I can say it wasn’t easy but well worth it. I’m finally over all the growing up, the shedding and the nonsense. As I enter this next phase of my life I get to embrace life with the new and improved me. The beautifully scarred and broken me that has been mended by tears, love, heart filled acceptance but most of all the comfort of ME! My learning now comes with the urgency to be more in all aspects of my life. The knowledge that yes I am a Goddess, I am a woman, I am Love, I am a Lover, I am a Mother & the list goes on and on!!! We all struggle in different ways and I look back and now say, “Take that!” If life was easy it wouldn’t be appreciated, wanted and treasured. As I continue to take my last steps of my 30’s I am so excited for the rest of my life. I didn’t come this far to stop now. So to all that looked forward to my fall, Thank you! You have no idea how much you contributed towards my motivation to live and always keep it moving forward where all you could see my was my ass! I do hope you enjoy the view! 😉

Keeping it fabulous!

May21

Core love

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I start here with just the need to be stripped naked of all I know, of all I knew and the pain that comes with it. I stand here naked wanting to feel touched by love, real love, from the core love. I once felt it from my little girl but she watches from the heavens now. It’s almost 16 years that she is gone and I miss her as much as the day she took her last breath. My heart broke in a million pieces, it stopped working but I knew I had to go on because she would be watching. So I seek again a love that I once felt as now I have learned to love myself in that way and would like to share what I have learned.