Category Archives: health

Jul30

Longing for my friend

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Longing for my friend

I remember the gentle touch of your hands holding my face as you looked deeply into my eyes.  Your eyes always so warm and nurturing, they felt like home even when I didn’t understand that feeling.  They were a safe place, no harm would be brought to me in your loving eyes.  You had a way of whispering the sweetest words of love and encouragement but I was so wounded to appreciate or accept them.  I couldn’t see nor understand what you saw in me, I wouldn’t see it until years later after we had moved on in our lives but yet always in arms reach of the other.  I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror through your eyes and see the woman who had found a place in your heart, she was was broken and fragile and you knew it.  Yet you remained by my side for as long as you could, as my friend, as my family, but most of all as my mirror.

I remember the way you would play with my hair until I fell asleep next to you, my breath being the lullaby that rocked you to sleep every night.  You always waited for me to fall asleep first so you could watch me for a bit, those were my most vulnerable moments, all my guards were down and I knew I was safe with you by my side.  You would tell me I looked like an warrior goddess that finally was able to rest.

I remember your way of being fully present at the exact moments I needed it the most, it was one of the qualities I will never forget.  I was always protected and loved by you but never held back from all I wanted, from my purpose, or from my practices.  You never stopped me from my hearts desires but pushed me to reach for all I aspired to do.  You understood who I am and why I am here before I even knew.

I remember the last time you held me and told me I was the reason you keep pushing forward even in our separate lives, you were hurting physically, your illness taking over but your heart staying in control.  You let me see into your eyes in ways you let no other.  I saw the pain and exhaustion you let no other know of.  You were the one they all turned to and this time around I was your rock, your strength, your safe arms to fall into.  You told me so many details you spared all the others from especially your daughter.  She is too young to have to deal with those details, watching her father hurt and become weak were more than any little girl should endure.  You did your best at staying strong for the rest of them and regularly reminded me that it was a lesson learned from me many years ago.  Who would have known that my survival skills and stubbornness would help you in these times.  I wish you didn’t have to go through such difficult times, wasn’t our experience together enough, wasn’t that lose enough for both of us in this lifetime.  Yet you didn’t complain about the illness but just the dark side of the less of your ability to be a dad to your daughter, to be the rescuing big brother, the adoring partner and helpful son.

I remember every day that I am one of the luckiest woman because I was loved in a way you read in fairy tales.  I had the blessing of feeling completely safe even in our darkest times because you wouldn’t let me down.  You always tried your best and I thank you for that.

I will always remember I am blessed to have known you.  I will always remember that I am blessed to have had a mirror in my life that held me safe even in my darkest hours.  I will always remember that we were one of the best things that happened in my life.

I long for your embrace once again.  I love you my friend.

Oct3

Feeling a certain kind of way…

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SMILE!!!

Today I can say I’m feeling like, “Lizzie Got her Groove Back!”  It feels absolutely delicious.  It has been a while since I felt my sultry self stand tall and present first thing in the morning.  It is definitely an invigorating feeling to have all of your loveliness just shout from every each of your being and tell the world, “The Goddess has awoken and she is out to play.”  No, I am not being conceited but I am definitely feeling flirtatious, adventurous and playful.  There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and feeling confident in who you are, or how far you have come and or to love the person you see in the mirror.  To have the ability to look in the mirror and truthfully embrace all that you are, every flaw, every wrinkle, every gray hair, every laugh line and every other imperfection and know that you are bewitching.  There is something extremely alluring about someone who is confident, loves themselves for who they truly are in all of their essence.  Yes to me that is positively the most magnetic person that one can be.  When we embrace all of ourselves for our truth and walk in that truth it makes you feel complete and at home.

After many years of living in my own black hole I reached a point I knew it was time to heal and let all this “old stuff” go.  I had gotten in my own way and I needed to know what it is to be alive.  I started out on the journey of self and let me say it became grotesque at the sight of all that was surfacing.  It felt like I was creating this towering wall of everything I had never dealt with and it was frightening, intimidating and overwhelming.  When one has to bring up all that muck made up of old pain, anger, hurt, rejection and the memories of events that brought you to those emotions it becomes one of the hardest things to go through.  I had many days I just wanted to retreat and say, “Screw it all, it’s easier to stay in my black hole” but I knew that I couldn’t live in that abyss anymore.  It wasn’t safe, warm or comfortable and that wasn’t how anyone should live not that I can call it living but I was still breathing.  I remember the first women’s retreat I went on, it was a weekend event and I was terrified.  Even buying the tickets were a challenge but the universe will test you to see if you are truly ready for your next step.  I didn’t want to feel judged, alone or frowned upon but most of all I didn’t want anyone to see  me “naked” and the inner turmoil I was living in.  I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable or to look at myself in the mirror.  I knew I had to be strong and put on my game face or so I thought.  Well that went to shit in a hand basket within 30 minutes of being in that sacred space.  One of my dearest and oldest friends was sitting right across from me, she gave me her a loving smile and her wink and the tears started streaming down my face. I had never been in such an environment with so many beautiful women from all walks a life.  When you are so broken and tired of being so called strong everyone comes across as being what you strive to be and for me that was being able to be present in my life.  I felt like a scared little girl just needing her mothers arms to keep her safe but that was not going to happen but I was definitely held by a room filled with women who also needed the love and support I was craving.  It is amazing how easy it is to hold another but so fearful to hold yourself, or so I believed at that point.  It was one of the hardest things I had pushed myself to do.  This choice was all about me and I hadn’t done a healthy thing for myself in numerous years, who knew that was going to be one of the greatest and most loving decisions I would make for myself.  I cried so many tears that weekend and committed myself to myself in front of 30 other women.  If you want to talk pressure that is the way to do it, we were all going to hold the other accountable for standing by their word to self.  It was one of the most liberating moments of my life all at the same time.  Those words that poured out of me started out with a meek trembling voice and soon were full-mouthed and commanding.  I was releasing what no longer served me and I was going to stand by that.  Enough was enough!!!  I remember turning around  from the alter where I placed my white candle and offered my words.  As I looked up to find my way back to my seat and tears were running down my face I was embraced by true love radiating from women who did not know me but felt me and supported me.  It felt as if I was in my mothers arms being held securely and that was the moment I knew this wasn’t going to get easier but I wasn’t alone so I couldn’t stop now.  I was safe.  It was the start of the rest of my life I just hadn’t known it yet.  Who would have thought that years later I could look back and want to shout my story out to the world?  Who would have thought I needed to be naked and love every moment of it?

Here is to living naked!!!

Smile, and share the sunshine!! 🙂

Sep23

Feed me!

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So today marks one year that I stopped smoking.  I think back to this day and how I had a life scare.  I had taken antibiotics for a horrible sinus infection and went into anaphylactic shock shortly after taking them.  I truly felt like I was going to die.  I’m not even sure where I had the strength to even make it across the apartment to get to my phone mind you call 911.  I was losing control of all my bodily functions, in and out of consciousness and my body felt like it was contouring in ways that felt foreign.  The worst & funny part was I was in just a tank top and panties, that I literally pissed in when I passed out, and the hottest EMT walks in my apartment to save me.  Now some might not think that was a bad situation but when you are barely conscious, pissed on and looking all out of whack that is so not cool.  I had to just laugh at myself because in total there were 3 beautiful men(I had not had a man over in a long while before this incident, that is not the way I wanted a handsome man to show up at my door) and 1 beautiful lady taking care of my hot mess self.  No one ever wants to be in a situation like that.  I have worked in the medical field for many years, I so know the stories that are created from moments like that experience.  My vitals were not good at all and they had to put me on oxygen right away and put a heart monitor on because my heart rate had dropped to 38bpm, that is way to low for an average adult in their 30’s.  They put in an IV line, started pushing fluids and rushed me over to Albert Einstein Medical Center.  So after being poked and probed at the hospital for 14 hours and had the staff laughing I was finally released with a clean bill of health.  I know that I didn’t end up in the hospital because of smoking but I just felt it was a habit I needed to let go of, I never want to have to call 911 again especially for a health scare.  I sat there contemplating the things that could have gone wrong and what if I had had a heart attack or stroke.  It felt right to let the habit go and it was easier than I thought it would have been but I do contribute that to literally fearing for my life.  I can say I am at the point that cigarette smoke bothers me and the smell makes me queasy.  It has been one of the best things I have done.  The only down fall was I did gain some weight after I let go of that habit.  Which did not make me happy at all but I will take the good with the bad because now this weight will also be left at the side of the road.

On that note, today as I was having my lunch and it was the hardest thing to get down (I don’t think I could ever be vegan).  All I’m craving is a juicy burger with crumbled bleu cheese, sautéed onions and mushrooms.  I do have my “cheap day” but today my body is craving some naughty food.  The day has been a good one so I know the craving is not me having an emotional food craving(those can be the worst) just my body talking to me and its need for certain vitamins and nutrients.  The dinner plan with have to be switched up but I am proud of myself for not diverting from my meal plan and honoring myself and this process.  I will let you know how that goes.  I’m sure it will be playtime in the kitchen, one of my favorite things to do.

So please don’t forget to smile and to be grateful for another day!

Sep22

Adjusting to the change

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Adjusting to the change

Good morning SUNSHINE!!

This weekend was fantastic but did include a few bummer moments within myself.  I was able to spend time with some very dear friends this weekend and just let loose, we laughed until we were sober, we had ah-hah moments, we learned so much of ourselves as women and it all felt like we were back in our teenage years in high school being carefree and truly living in the moments.  On Saturday the ladies and I spent hours filled with laugher while playing Bocce ball, sipping wine from Styrofoam coffee cups, don’t judge they had lids.  LOL  We took silly pictures like giggly teenage girls and couldn’t stop laughing at ourselves and the shenanigans that were going on.  We danced around like innocent young girls running in a field with no cares in the world.  It was so great to hear ourselves after many year have passed how we remembered the words of songs we danced to years ago and the hysterical stories that are attached to these songs.  We may have cried then but when you have the pleasure of reaching an age where you can just laugh at yourself and its simplicity, it truly is priceless. Then we started viewing the pictures and I was not happy with what I saw.  I have been working hard at shedding this weight and I felt I looked bigger now than I did before I committed to becoming healthy and that was a complete bummer.  I know the number on the scale has gone down and I know I have lost inches around different areas of my body but what I saw was completely different.  I know it is a process and the mental aspect of any change in life takes time and understanding.  What we would like to see isn’t always the process your body will reveal when you want it but I just couldn’t get past looking like I was pregnant in some photos or just a bit wider than 3 months ago before I started this change.  Yes, I realize it is soon to expect much of a change but I sure didn’t want to look bigger.  I didn’t let that ruin the day but I can say I wasn’t happy with the results and I was even more cautious of what I was eating and of what I was drinking.  My dear friend noticed I wasn’t happy with the pictures where my belly seemed bigger to me even though she reassured me I looked great and she could see the difference.  This is a struggle I know will take time to resolve.

On Sunday, I went to the Grounds for Sculpture in New Jersey.  It was absolutely breath taking and if you love to be in nature with secret garden passage ways complimented by beautiful sculptures this is a great place to go.  My inner photographer was in her glory and gaining another day in nature, before the cool of fall sets, with friends who have become family is a plus.  The artistry and the perplex minds that create these wonders are extraordinary.  My favorite part was finding this hidden walkways that would twist and turn to reveal sculptures that would just intrigue you and keep you wanting more.  It almost felt nostalgic at some points.  I couldn’t get enough pictures of all the wonder that kept revealing itself.  Some of the true artistry was nature’s own work.  I would not call myself a photographer but a lover of beauty in its truest and rarest forms.  I once again was unhappy with photos that others were taking of me and the way my body seemed to defy the work that I have put into her the last few months.  I cannot get past how my belly looks so much bigger than before and trust me when I say there is no way I could be pregnant.  The visual struggle seems to be the biggest struggle of it all.  The learning to have a healthy relationship with food and selecting healthier foods without feeling deprived even when I am out and want all those naughty fried or sugary foods is easier to transition away from.  The hardest part of this whole lifestyle change is the reflection in the mirror, not liking what I see but knowing the results I expect take time and my body is going through just as many  physical changes as I am mentally.

Do I love myself enough to not let this be a set back? Absolutely and I know these are the biggest challenges.  I know this is cliché but here it goes anyway, “Anything in life worth having is worth working for.” My health is definitely worth working towards and it will remain on the top of my list of what is important in my life.  I started my journey towards mental and spiritual health 3 years ago and I have finally incorporated my physical health, I can say thus far this has been one of the most liberating ventures I have ever gone on in my life.  So I chose to make it another day closer to being my healthiest self, mentally, spiritually and physically.  Of course I will have days that I want to throw in the towel but those seem to be less frequent than ever before.

So smile today because you are someone’s sunshine even if you don’t know them.  🙂

 

Sep18

Reflections

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It’s a new beautiful day and yesterdays struggle still lingers but I know in my heart she will always be with me.  It was one of those years that it just was tougher to get through the day, the feelings were just so fresh even though I lost her a little over 16 years ago.  I know some say it gets easier as time passes but I can say, “That’s BULLSHIT!”  One just learns to live without their physical presence but they are always in your heart and memories.  There will always be times when we just miss them so much that it brings us to tears or the emotions of losing them resurface in a tidal wave and it hurts tremendously.  There is no shame in that but some people will not accept that having those moments are okay and that is okay also.  We all have our own coping mechanisms not that it is always the healthiest way for us but it is what we chose at the time and with time those ideas may change.  I know this to be true because for such a long time I was numb by choice.  I just didn’t know how to be alive, I didn’t know how to enjoy the gift of life because I was feeling guilty of not being able to save her life and because I couldn’t fix it and that is my job as a mom.  For so very long I just functioned, went through the motions of being an adult but couldn’t bring myself back to life.  I didn’t know how.  I didn’t know how to ask for help or guidance or really ask for anything.  I had lost so much from such a young age that I didn’t want to have to go through losing anyone else that I pushed the world away but little did I know I was losing myself in the process.

Through the years food became by best friend and my worst enemy.  I truly experienced the love/hate love affair with food that many feel with another individual.  I ate to numb myself but yet I loved to feed people just as much as I loved to eat.  I loved taking care of people but didn’t want anyone that close that they would see me for this flawed, lonely, unlovable, broken woman that I was.  How could they understand that I am only human when I have been told I’m so strong for what I have been through and I keep going or that I’m so strong for not falling apart and still wanting more out of life.  I was crumbling in more ways than one in the inside and quickly.  The main reason I didn’t allow myself to throw my life completely away was I  knew my daughter wouldn’t want that, if she could face cancer with a smile on her face on 99.7% of her days dealing with that horrendous disease with all the pain from the disease itself or post surgeries.  She would never want to see me stop living because she didn’t make it and in my mind my half-assed way of living was sustaining me in the moment.  Before I knew it this was the only way I knew how to live, the only way I could be safe from any additional pain besides what was already happening in my life.  After Soli passed away I knew it wouldn’t be long before my mom would pass also.  My mom had been sick for so many years by then.  I knew she was struggling to stay with us but she was growing tired and weaker with each day, she was finally diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after many years of false conclusions.  This reality just made food even sexier than before.  At my heaviest I went up to an extra fluffy 314lbs.  I was one fluffy female and I didn’t want to see it because I refused to look at myself.  I never looked in a mirror below my shoulders but I can tell you this I walked with a confidence that fooled many but the closest ones to me knew otherwise.  My ex-husband Luis always made me feel beautiful but once I got back in my head I was fat, ugly and disgusting but I wasn’t in a place to fix that yet because I wasn’t ready to deal with all the pain and hurt I was holding onto.  I didn’t know at the time there was going to be plenty more to come before I finally crashed and burned.

So today I continue on my journey of getting healthy, making better food choices and embracing that this weight is a reflection of what I have been through but is no longer mine to hold onto.  Yes, there are times I want to sit down and have a whole package of cookies with a huge glass of milk(especially last night but I didn’t) but I’m accepting that I will only hurt myself more if I continue my life going down that road.  I have done so much in the last three years to heal and I continue this process everyday that I can’t go back to what no longer serves me.  Life is truly a gift I will not and cannot take advantage of that.

Happy day! Let’s make it a great one because we can no matter the obstacle, there is beauty in every situation even when it’s hard to see it.

Oh and don’t forget to smile, you never know who is watching and needs that smile to help them through the day! 🙂

 

 

 

 

Sep17

My Angel’s Birthday! <3

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My Angel’s Birthday! <3

HAPPY 19TH  BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL IN HEAVEN SOLI!

It has been 17 years since I was blessed to spend a birthday with you.  The circumstances weren’t ideal but I still had you with me.  I still remember that day as if it was just the other day.  You were on your first round of chemotherapy for Ewing Sarcoma and a bit cranky but excited because it was your birthday.

Your favorite RN Elena had brought you a big birthday breakfast and gifts.   She spoiled you so much but who didn’t.  You had charisma that no one could resist, of course this sounds bias because I’m your mom but I would love to just sit back and watch you just pull people in with your charm and amazing smile(I swear you were an old soul).  So back to your 2nd birthday so many years ago.  We were in “your room” 719 at Montefiore Medical Center in NYC and it was a beautiful morning much like today but warmer.  Elena had brought you scrambled eggs, chicken strips and French fries topped with plenty of ketchup(I know it wasn’t the ideal breakfast but I wasn’t going to argue since she wanted to eat.  The chemo was depleting her appetite more and more each day).  Your huge smile and infectious laugh when you saw her with your breakfast and gifts still rings in my ears today.  She laughed so hard when she heard you that Svetlana(Pediatric Day LPN) came running in to see what all the commotion was about.  Even she started to laugh when she realized what was going on.  She sang happy birthday to you along with the silly dance that she always did for you while she took your vitals and we laughed even more.  You opened up your gifts and gave Elena the biggest hug.  She held you so close and whispered that she wishes for you to have the best birthday ever.  It was the beginning of a birthday filled with laughs and plenty of birthday wishes for you.  I was so happy the day had started so well considering that it could turn at any point as the chemo kept pumping into your little body.  You had been responding well so far with no side effects but yet it was only day 3.  The phone calls starting coming in and you laughed at everyone who sang you happy birthday on the phone.  It was your day to be a birthday princess and you deserved it.  You were facing this challenge with a warriors stance and I didn’t know what else to do but be your rock and a loving mom.  When daddy called you streaked and laughed so hard that the ladies at the reception desk heard you and laughed. They all knew it was Sonia’s day.  The ladies were so wonderful with you at all times but made sure it was a special day for you.  Christine from the playroom stopped in and walked you over to the playroom to spend some time with 3 other children that were also receiving chemo and they all sang you happy birthday.  Who would have thought that such a stressful situation could still be such a wonderful birthday by 11 am.  I remember standing there with their moms and we all just knew how precious that moment was.  It is an understanding that only a parent who is going through the same pain understands.  No one wants to watch their child with an illness that can go either way and you have no control over the outcome.  Yes, we do our best to make the choices we need towards the best treatment and procedures but its heart wrenching  nonetheless.  When you just don’t know how much time you have with your child, will they go into remission, will they pass because of this horrible disease, how much will they suffer and through it all you can’t make it just go away.

Later that afternoon you had a full house of guests in a tiny hospital room.  In that small room you had at least 10 people in there at any given moment.  Then daddy showed up with your birthday cake and all the nurses and family sang happy birthday once again.  You smiled so much that day, the smile that would forever be etched in my mind.  You had more gifts than Toy R Us and put a smile on so many somber faces.  You always had a way of doing that.  You were ahead of your time my love.  May you dance in heaven with your daddy and laugh with your Grandmas.  I know they will all make sure its a grand event.  Until we meet again.

Happy Birthday my Angel!! You are the best thing that ever happened to me!  I am honored and grateful to be your mom!

Love you always!!

Sep16

Body Image

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So as I continue to work on this extra baggage called my ‘fluffiness” I am coming across interesting interpretations of my weight by men.  I know not all men view me in this light but I have found that recently this has been coming up more frequently so I’m just sorting through it.  It’s hard enough going through the psychological part of losing weight, the perplexity of your body changing and embracing the changes(even though some of them are not cool right now) and the desire to dip into those old habits because it’s what I know.

So back to these insults wrapped in make shift compliments.  I am single and dating(dating can be overrated at times) so this is where I am getting this from.  I met what I thought was a nice guy, the conversation would flow easily and plenty of laughs, I have a soft spot for a funny guy.  We exchange pictures and all is well until he has time to dissect the full body image I had sent. (Please keep in mind I have never denied I am a full-figured woman)

I get a text back from him and it goes like this; “are you pregnant?”  “did you lose weight?” “umm I’m not sure”.  My reply; “No I am not pregnant and yes I did lose some weight.  if you are not interested anymore from the pic that is fine with me.  Be well”  He replies, “I’m really into fitness.  You need to do something about your tummy, you would be really pretty if you did something about it, insurance will pay for it but good for you for losing weight.”

So, I can either completely have a crazy lady moment and go off on him and which end up in a total funk and want to cry and eat until I am sick or do as I did.  I didn’t reply to that insult, I laughed it off and was grateful for the sanity that I could keep in this moment.  There was no need for him to insult me and ignorance like that seems to be more common amongst the ones who continue to base everything on superficial, photo shopped ideas of beauty.  As I continue my journey of becoming the healthiest I have ever been I have noticed there are stages that we go through and our body goes through and at some points they do not match.  I know yes my body is not perfect and I will always be a work in progress and who am I to judge another’s body when their struggle is just that, theirs.

 

So for now I see this as a step for me and a loss for ignorance.  Now onto making this body a healthier one.

 

 

Sep11

Loving my outside

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In this journey of regaining control of my weight, finding a healthy place in my life, loving myself for all its entirety and ending the self-destructive reign of self-abuse with food, I am learning to enjoy food and not hide behind gorging myself with food to numb the pain.  For so long food was my escape for life.  I was able to numb the pain with outlandish food binges, of course all of it was bad, crappy but oh so yummy foods, that could last days. I am so guilty of spending weekends locked in my apartment bingeing on cakes, cookies, burgers, chinese food, soda, chips and whatever else I could get my hands on.  I remember the times the supermarket run was for bad food only and I ate every last bite with pleasure than I would cry myself to sleep, or verbally degrade myself, or sleep for days on end, or it was time to go back into reality. So much had gone on from so early on in my life that I created my own little world that was safe as long as everyone was over there and I was with myself and my coping mechanisms.

I remember this cycle starting as far back as 5 years old when my than alcoholic father argued viciously with my mom when he was on one of his drinking binges.  I was always just a few feet behind watching my mom ingest the verbal abuse to protect my brother and I from becoming his target.  Once I was alone again I would sneak food and hide in my room or in the playroom in the basement to make it all go away.  Not that it ever did but I was convinced it worked.  As time had passed and the situation just worsened so did my binges to the point it just became a way of life.  Once my mom was diagnosed with advanced multiple sclerosis and wasn’t able to care for my brother and I it all went to hell in a hand basket.  I was 14, just starting high school and going to a school I literally only knew two people in the whole school, my next door neighbors.  So then a new cycle had begun and having already spent so many years feeling completely alone in a world filled with so many “loved ones” but it seemed I was pushed away for whatever reason they needed to give at that moment, or they didn’t have time to for someone else’s kid, or the knowledge that no I didn’t fit in like I would have liked.  I knew this so-called great time of my life, the awkward teenage years, was not going to get any easier anytime soon.  I just wanted my mom to get better so we could be home with her again.

Well back to my fluffy self finding a better way to live. So now that I have worked on all the inside stuff and continue to work on it as it is a never-ending process.  I am creating a new relationship with food and embracing what that means on a healthy level.  I had gained so much weight over the years and tried every diet under the sun but of course they didn’t work because the cause of the pain was denied until I crash and burned.  I am learning to look at the food as a way to sustain myself as I live and not a shovel to bury myself. I look in the mirror and now see a body that doesn’t match what I feel inside and its time to fix that.  No, I don’t want to be some photo shopped supermodel in a magazine, no I don’t want to be what others would consider the “ideal” weight for me, I will be the right weight once I am feeling healthy and comfortable in that size “?” when I get there.

So here’s to getting healthy and letting go of the excess baggage at the side of the road.

I will keep you posted.  Now off to a yummy lunch and a brisk walk.

Sep10

Cleaning

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So as I approach my 4oth birthday I feel the need to clean out the stagnant in my life.  Whether it be people, things, excess body weight and my “old & dusty” ways of approaching life.  This agonizing feeling of dead and useless weight needs to be shed and forgotten.  This cleaning point has come with a harsh reality of life.  I keep looking around and I find so much that makes me and happy and know I need to work  from the inside to change what I can on the outside.  I love my friends but with all the shedding, analyzing and healing I have gone through in the last 3 years I find some people just do not serve me in a healthy way or in any way but negative.  Toxicity and complacency has seem to be the norm on how some of them affect my life and my energy or they relationship has changed so much that we no longer have anything to talk about or relate to.  Have you ever had that friend that would speak to you and when they ask a question about what they have just spoken to you about, you realize that they have had a whole conversation and you did not hear a word.  What do you do about these kind of relationships?  How do you even explain to yourself why you still have this person hanging around? How do you end this relationship that no longer serves you without offending the individual?  Now, having asked myself these important questions and searching for answers that bring me a lightened heart I continue on this journey of the next stage of the rest of my life.

I have found cleaning out the material things that need to find a new home and reorganizing has helped me focus more on the other aspects of my life and the new I need in my life and the new I want in my life.  As the decluttering continues I become more alive with each moment.  I have found that my spirit dances as my environment is finding its new order.  I am guilty of my own level of OCD’s but most of us do to some degree but with these shifts happening even more I see myself letting go of so many material items as I have gained a sense of inner peace and enlightenment.  So on to the cleaning out the closets, ridding the external weight of my environment but they best part of this whole journey has been shedding the pain, hurt, disappointment and emotions I held on to for far to long.  The beauty is now addressing this extra fluffy body and loving it into a healthy place.

I’ll keep you posted.