Monthly Archives: June 2015

Jun25

Always in my heart…

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Always in my heart…

My love in heaven,

It’s been 2 years that you’re gone now and I feel as if it was just the other day that I got the call from your little sister and brother.  I miss my soulmate, best friend, life partner and confidant.  As I reflect on the parts of your life I was so blessed to be a part of and the family we had together, I couldn’t help but sit here and want to believe there is a purpose behind this all coming to a close so early on in our lives. I spent your anniversary day without the distractions of the modern world, I just couldn’t be bothered with the nuisances of the phone, computer or TV.  I didn’t want to hear about people enjoying their day or laughing I just needed to be in quiet and at peace in my heart remembering the life we had with our daughter.  I listened to some old songs that you liked so much and I had to laugh because I could clearly see you doing your silly dance moves.   I could picture you so clearly, as if you were in my living room with me.  Your laugh echoed in my ears as I envisioned your smile and wished to hear you just one more time.  I know you are in a better place with our daughter and neither one of you are in pain anymore which makes it easier for me to deal with the day-to-day chaos of this world.   You see my beloved, you were the only man who has known me for me, behind the smile, behind the day-to-day masks, behind my OCD’s and all the silliness I use to help make each day a bit brighter and easier.  You were the one who would call me on my shit and even though it would tick me off I knew it was coming from a place of true love.  You did always enjoy calling me your, “Pain in the ass”, than laugh until I broke into a smile.  You left so soon, so young, so loved by many but most of all you left because you couldn’t live in that pain anymore and our angel guided you home.  I still remember our conversations about us getting old together and our partners having to deal with us being the best of friends until our dying day.  Well it seems they will not have to worry about that but you will always have a place in my heart and no one can ever change that.  You have marked your space there along side our daughter.

So I say, “Thank you for loving me, Thank you for being my soulmate, Thank you for being a wonderful father to our daughter but most of all Thank you for seeing me for me.”  I will always love you!  Kisses to you in heaven!

Jun25

Coming to a close

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Coming to a close 
My heart misses you
My lips miss your tender kisses that make my heart flutter like a 
school girl
My arms miss the way you feel in them when I hold you close
My hands miss the way your beard feels when I lightly touch 
your face & get lost in your eyes
My ears miss the way your heartbeat sounds when I lay my head against 
your chest

As I lay down and think of our time I smile
As you lay down at night, what do you think of my love?

Do you remember how I feel as we lay together?
Do you wish me to be there?
Do you wonder if I am thinking of you?

I do wonder all those things and so much more
I wonder what it would be like to wake up to you every morning
I wonder what it would be like to cook dinner & laugh together as the music 
plays in the background
I wonder what it would be to feel you curl up next to me on a cold winter's night 
while watching a scary movie
I wonder what it would be like to be held as you reassure me that it will all get 
better or I hold you as you let your guard down and find refuge in my arms

I miss you my love, I know you have not left yet but the time is near
I can smell the beginning of the end and it saddens me my love
Do you feel it too?  Am I alone on this?  Do you want to stay or go?

Does it have to come to a close so soon?
Can we try our best? Are we doing our best? What is our best? 
Are you in this as much as I am? 
Do you want to go my love?

Please stay just a little longer
Jun24

You knew as I now know

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You knew as I now know 
You came as a surprise
You woke me from my slumber
You took my heart and shook it so
You came to do a job but I knew that I would fall for you

You knew that I was guarded and unsure
You knew that your heart wasn't ready for me but I knew it was 
You knew I was yearning to be touched in every way
You knew in those first moments you had to make me yours 

I knew you would bring me to myself again
I knew I needed to be reminded of what others saw when they looked in my eyes
I knew that your hunger for my flesh was the beast I needed to break those chains
I knew you had welcomed the challenge

You knew I was something you could not attain without a true agenda
You knew this would be short lived
You knew that you would pull away the moment you felt your heart open
You knew it when it was to late 

I knew I wouldn't run from love
I knew I would be frightened but not deterred 
I knew I wanted more but you are not the more

You know I love you and will offer all you have never known
You know I am a mystery that feels like home
You know your nights are restless until I am in your arms
You now know what it is like to call someone "home"

I know I love you
I know I want you
I know I will always hold a place for you in my heart but
I know I will soon have to walk away

You know what is to come of us
You know you will miss me and I will you
 
I know it will not be easy but I must go

 

Jun5

I melted..

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I melted..

I melted

From the moment you smiled at me

I melted.

I knew this was different

Not sure for how long

But different

Once I felt you

No, not you physically

Once I felt your energy near me

Caressing me

I melted

Your kiss

Oh baby your kiss

It brought me home

It was the lips I’ve kissed

I’ve kissed you a thousand times

You pulled me in

Right into your arms

It felt like home

I melted

Oh baby but this was

It will always be

The first moment our lips met

I melted

I never knew I was so hungry

Starving for your kiss

Your lips

Devoured me completely

You pulled me in

We danced with our tongues

I learned how to tango that day

A dance I’ve never tried

Your tongue guiding me with each effortless movement

I melted

My mind spins

It climbs up so high

Then leaps to a spiraling dive

Dance with my breath

Dance with my tongue

I melted

For you

For me

I melted

Jun3

She is reaching out for me

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She is reaching out for me

Some days are just that, you cannot seem to find yourself because someone else is needing you.  I woke up missing myself and feeling a void that is unexplained.  The need to cry and let out tears that are not mine, the need to scream and let the world hear my words that come from another’s lips choke me, the need to be held and told it will go away consumes my being.  I wish I understood who needed me the most today, who is crying and needing to be held, I feel their pain so deeply.  I feel the little girl crying for help as she reaches out her hand to me but will not let me see her face. The pain is rocking the very core of me and it is dark, it is heavy and it is unshakable.

I wish I knew who was hurting so bad.  I think the hardest part of being an empath is feeling the desperation of another and not being able to do something to help them in these times. 

 How do we comfort what we do not know? How do you help what we can not see? I pray for you little one, I do not know your age but I do know a little girl hurts. I do know we all have buried so much pain within ourselves and there are moments it creeps back up and becomes paralyzing. We kind behind smiles and what is acceptable but hurt ourselves more by continuing such behavior. It’s time we feel that pain right out of ourselves, let it have its moments and send it off with love. Look and in the mirror and tell yourself, “I love you and I want to heal you.”  

Jun2

Miss you

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Miss you

I miss you, I miss your face, I miss the way you looked at me with adoring eyes

I miss the way you caused me to have butterflies in my belly every time you were close

I miss the way you would caress my cheek so gently before you kissed me

I miss the way it felt to be in your arms

I miss the way you held my breast when you drove

Do you miss me because I miss you

I miss us

I miss the laughs

I miss the hugs

I miss the way my body ached for you

I miss the way we wanted to be but only had stolen moments

I miss listening to your heartbeat after making love

I miss your eyes, the way they used to look at me

Could you ever look at me again that way?

Could you ever miss me the way I miss you?

Could you love me the way I loved you?

I miss hearing your voice

I miss being the one you thought of every morning and every night

I miss you more than you will ever know

I miss you!

 

Jun1

 She yearns for more

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 She yearns for more

Her body trembled from the thoughts of his energy flooding her space, his smile melting her heart & his lips lightly grazing against the nape of her neck. She wanted to touch him, to say his name, oh how she ached for him. Her body screams in silence. His eyes are fierce, intrusive but oh so safe. The fever that overcomes each time she thinks of him drives her to the edge of ecstasy. He will never know how she slowly comes to her cliff that is him, the moment she could taste him in the air she jumps. His name in her heart, his taste on her tongue & his voice whispering to her heart. “No more please no more” she pleads but she means none of it. Her thirst cannot be quenched so easily. She needs more, she craves more, she aches for more. More of him, oh his sweet smell lingers all around her, she knows he is near but yet he is unattainable. He wants her but fears her. He has not craved the intensity she brings to his being. She doesn’t know he looks for excuses to stay away, she only knows that he holds back. He tries not to allow himself to crave her wild woman ways, oh her sex is his deepest desire, his deepest need, she smells of uncertainty, she smells unworldly but he ponders how that may be. How can a woman be all the things he needs & desires? How can she be real? What is wrong with her? If she only knew how she has become his enigma. If she only knew his hesitation is due to her eloquent, animalistic, nurturing, loving ways & her lack of sexual inhibitions. She pushes him just enough to keep him wondering but not enough to have him run away.  She is longing for him, needing his touch, desiring those piercing eyes that strip her of all she knows and leaves her naked and alive. The vulnerability that has come from this is exquisite blissful freedom. She is free. She is the wild woman she has suppressed for so long. “Go be free my precious” is the whisper she hears from the rapture of his breath. “Let go my love & I will not let you fall,” the whisper continues. Neither one has accepted that their souls are back home. They have been lost for so long, going from one lover to another. He showed up with a familiarity that brought her fear & comfort. Her world flipped in a way that she remains bewildered. She contemplated why wasn’t this like every other encounter. They do not know where this will end but she knows it will come to a peak that will change the game. He disappears so much that it is unnerving and confusing, what should she think? Are there others? Is there another life she should know about? He doesn’t know her at all, he never asks anything of her or about her. Is this all in her head or is there something here?

Jun1

Confused Love

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Confused Love

I never planned on loving you, I never planned on knowing more than that brief moment we shared months ago.  You had no plan on loving me either and now this man I saw so strong and sure of himself is confused, retracted back in his shell trying to sort through the emotions he wanted to never feel again. Here this beautiful, fragile and loving man crouches in the corner, hoping that I do not see the love and fear in his eyes but you see my love all I want to do is hold you and let you know that you are safe.  I am not here to hurt you, judge you, point out your flaws because my love I am a perfectly imperfect woman with all kinds of scars that have so many stories to tell.  I want to hold you because I know that in our silence so much is being said, so many worries fall away, so many boundaries are broken but most of all it feels like home.  You have no idea how I was the one looking for the solid foundation to stand on when it came to my emotions for you.  You have no idea how I flip-flopped on a daily basis to walk away and leave you alone or stay and be around someone who knew how to make me feel safe with just his presence.  You stirred up so many emotions ranging from good, bad, old and new within me and I thank you for that.  You have allowed me to be completely vulnerable and open without judging me. I know I can be shut off at times but it’s a defense that I have created over time but you some how were able to chip away at those walls, you let me feel more comfortable in my feminine and always feeling beautiful and sexy at the same time but yet you weren’t willing to work on your own walls. You seem to struggle with the idea that I would see all your cracks and scarred pieces.  The funny thing about that is you let me into your soul so long ago and I saw all of those cracks and scarred pieces and when I saw them all I saw a beautiful soul with a guarded human housing him. I saw a soul that was familiar and he welcomed me in so far deep into his realm that it was hard to come back to self.  I was never afraid of those beautiful trips you would take me on, letting me gaze into those dark and lonely corners through your piercing eyes. Oh your eyes are erotically mesmerizing to me, so deep, so open and yet only wiling to let most see the shallow end of them.  I want to kiss each and every inch of your darkness with my lips filled with love and light, fill it with my warm breath and pour my light that overflows from my being to help you maneuver through your rivers.  I want you to know that I am not here to tell you how to do things, when to do them or where, I am here to love you and be the one to stand by your side, reminding you that you aren’t alone in this crazy world.  That what I ask for is the same that I will give and that is love. Love to reach all your spaces and cracks, love that will push your light right through those cracks and make you shine, help you blind the world with your light, show you that you are a beautiful man who deserves to be loved because you are flawed and you still have a beating heart that wants so much more than to just sustain you.  We may not be the “forever after” that is spoken about in fairy tales but we are definitely the ones to heal the other with our hearts, with are chatty silence, with our dancing souls that could burn a building down with its intensity.  So my words to you are, “I love you and I will never be sorry for that my beautiful scarred man. I thank you for showing me how beautiful I am through your eyes and showing me how to love again after being guarded for so long.”

xoxo