SMILE!!!

Today I can say I’m feeling like, “Lizzie Got her Groove Back!”  It feels absolutely delicious.  It has been a while since I felt my sultry self stand tall and present first thing in the morning.  It is definitely an invigorating feeling to have all of your loveliness just shout from every each of your being and tell the world, “The Goddess has awoken and she is out to play.”  No, I am not being conceited but I am definitely feeling flirtatious, adventurous and playful.  There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and feeling confident in who you are, or how far you have come and or to love the person you see in the mirror.  To have the ability to look in the mirror and truthfully embrace all that you are, every flaw, every wrinkle, every gray hair, every laugh line and every other imperfection and know that you are bewitching.  There is something extremely alluring about someone who is confident, loves themselves for who they truly are in all of their essence.  Yes to me that is positively the most magnetic person that one can be.  When we embrace all of ourselves for our truth and walk in that truth it makes you feel complete and at home.

After many years of living in my own black hole I reached a point I knew it was time to heal and let all this “old stuff” go.  I had gotten in my own way and I needed to know what it is to be alive.  I started out on the journey of self and let me say it became grotesque at the sight of all that was surfacing.  It felt like I was creating this towering wall of everything I had never dealt with and it was frightening, intimidating and overwhelming.  When one has to bring up all that muck made up of old pain, anger, hurt, rejection and the memories of events that brought you to those emotions it becomes one of the hardest things to go through.  I had many days I just wanted to retreat and say, “Screw it all, it’s easier to stay in my black hole” but I knew that I couldn’t live in that abyss anymore.  It wasn’t safe, warm or comfortable and that wasn’t how anyone should live not that I can call it living but I was still breathing.  I remember the first women’s retreat I went on, it was a weekend event and I was terrified.  Even buying the tickets were a challenge but the universe will test you to see if you are truly ready for your next step.  I didn’t want to feel judged, alone or frowned upon but most of all I didn’t want anyone to see  me “naked” and the inner turmoil I was living in.  I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable or to look at myself in the mirror.  I knew I had to be strong and put on my game face or so I thought.  Well that went to shit in a hand basket within 30 minutes of being in that sacred space.  One of my dearest and oldest friends was sitting right across from me, she gave me her a loving smile and her wink and the tears started streaming down my face. I had never been in such an environment with so many beautiful women from all walks a life.  When you are so broken and tired of being so called strong everyone comes across as being what you strive to be and for me that was being able to be present in my life.  I felt like a scared little girl just needing her mothers arms to keep her safe but that was not going to happen but I was definitely held by a room filled with women who also needed the love and support I was craving.  It is amazing how easy it is to hold another but so fearful to hold yourself, or so I believed at that point.  It was one of the hardest things I had pushed myself to do.  This choice was all about me and I hadn’t done a healthy thing for myself in numerous years, who knew that was going to be one of the greatest and most loving decisions I would make for myself.  I cried so many tears that weekend and committed myself to myself in front of 30 other women.  If you want to talk pressure that is the way to do it, we were all going to hold the other accountable for standing by their word to self.  It was one of the most liberating moments of my life all at the same time.  Those words that poured out of me started out with a meek trembling voice and soon were full-mouthed and commanding.  I was releasing what no longer served me and I was going to stand by that.  Enough was enough!!!  I remember turning around  from the alter where I placed my white candle and offered my words.  As I looked up to find my way back to my seat and tears were running down my face I was embraced by true love radiating from women who did not know me but felt me and supported me.  It felt as if I was in my mothers arms being held securely and that was the moment I knew this wasn’t going to get easier but I wasn’t alone so I couldn’t stop now.  I was safe.  It was the start of the rest of my life I just hadn’t known it yet.  Who would have thought that years later I could look back and want to shout my story out to the world?  Who would have thought I needed to be naked and love every moment of it?

Here is to living naked!!!

Smile, and share the sunshine!! 🙂