Happy Day!!

I am actually very excited to be 4o tomorrow.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions that last 30 days, on each day I made it a point to reflect on the last 39 years.  Life hasn’t always been filled with pleasant points, many parts of it was filled with trauma, loss, pain and loneliness but I wouldn’t change any of it.  I have been blessed with so much goodness and love even at the darkest of moments and I am exceptionally grateful for every last second of it.  I have lost so many wonderful people and many under the age of 40, so this birthday is truly a milestone for me.  I didn’t think I would make it this far, there were times I thought of suicide, even attempted it but the universe wasn’t not having that in any way.  The world still needed me to do more work here and I accepted that challenge.

The day I attempted suicide was while living in Texas and life was definitely not what I had envisioned for myself at that point of my life.  Clearly I was not in a place where I was emotionally, spiritually and mentally healthy.  I was living in a big, dark, scary and lonely place which was my own doing, which was my own self.  The last 13 years where crashing in on me and it was frightening.  I had not attempted to look inward and accept I needed to heal, to purge or feel any emotion.  I was numb and I thought it was a safe place.  I remember driving on the highway and feeling like life was choking me.  It was as if I couldn’t breath and I had been overcome with darkness.  I needed to just end this tornado that was in my head and heart.  I remember flooring the gas pedal and watching the speedometer as that wall was coming closer and closer.  I couldn’t get there fast enough.  I was doing 93mph and couldn’t have been more than 50 feet away from the way, than 40 feet than 30 feet than 20 feet and about 5 feet from the wall the car stopped.  It just stopped, shut off and stopped moving all in that split second.  WTF how can the car just stop, I was doing almost a hundred miles an hour.  How is it even possible?  I have no idea but in that moment all I could do was cry, scream, wail, and say “What the F&%K!!!???” over and over again.  It wasn’t possible that this was happening, there is no way a car just stops at that speed.  I was now angry at myself, I did I completely screw this up.  I sat in the car for at least an hour before I attempted to turn it back on and it wouldn’t.  I called my sister-in-law and told her the car had stalled and I need a jump.  She came right over with her friend and gave it a boost and we were on our way back home.  I never told her what happened or what I was attempting to do but if that wasn’t a sign then I don’t know what to tell you.  Those were definitely my angels saying that they were protecting me even from myself.  I spent the rest of that day just going through the motions but most of all I prayed and asked for forgiveness and guidance.  I’m so grateful it wasn’t my time to go that day.

So with that said I say, “Thank you universe for giving me another chance at this crazy roller coaster ride I call life and an upcoming 40th birthday!”

Smile and walk in gratitude today!! I know I will. 🙂